Archive for the ‘Guest Post’ Category

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From The Mind Of Uncle Doreen: Jesus, The Virgin Mary, & Dog Butts

February 22, 2008

My morning news was cluttered with yet another article about an image of a religious being found on some inanimate object. This morning’s article was about a pretzel that supposedly resembled the Madonna (not the singer) holding an infant. It baffles my mind that people determine this to be such a phenomena that the evening news must break from the earthquakes, famine and wars happening around the world to let us know that some minimum wage worker has discovered that the stain on the bottom of his nacho pan kinda looks like Jesus. I often ask myself “Ducky (that is what I call myself when no one is around), Ducky—why do these people always see a deity?” Quite frankly I can not imagine why any heavenly being would utilize a handmade tortilla to proclaim his or her presence. I did a Google search and found several images that to my eye look nothing like Jesus or the Virgin Mary yet others found them worthy enough to interrupt my evening news. This is what I see

Madonna and child on a pretzel or Rodin’s “Thinker”

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Virgin Mary on toast or Marlene Dietrich

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Virgin Mary on a fish stick or Charles Manson

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Virgin Mary on a cooking pot or Picasso

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Virgin Mary on a concrete wall or Bruce Willis

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Jesus on a Nacho Pan or Osama Bin Laden

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Jesus on the butt of a dog or simply the butt of a dog

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Gift of the Magi - Part II by O. Henry

December 25, 2007

Yesterday, I began by sharing the tale of young love…that love that is put high on a pedestal, where no hardship is too great, and in a time when giving meant truly giving of yourself for someone else.

The door opened and Jim stepped in and closed it. He looked thin and very serious. Poor fellow, he was only twenty-two–and to be burdened with a family! He needed a new overcoat and he was without gloves.

Jim stopped inside the door, as immovable as a setter at the scent of quail. His eyes were fixed upon Della, and there was an expression in them that she could not read, and it terrified her. It was not anger, nor surprise, nor disapproval, nor horror, nor any of the sentiments that she had been prepared for. He simply stared at her fixedly with that peculiar expression on his face.

Della wriggled off the table and went for him.

“Jim, darling,” she cried, “don’t look at me that way. I had my hair cut off and sold because I couldn’t have lived through Christmas without giving you a present. It’ll grow out again–you won’t mind, will you? I just had to do it. My hair grows awfully fast. Say `Merry Christmas!’ Jim, and let’s be happy. You don’t know what a nice– what a beautiful, nice gift I’ve got for you.”

“You’ve cut off your hair?” asked Jim, laboriously, as if he had not arrived at that patent fact yet even after the hardest mental labor.

“I Cut it off and sold it,” said Della. “Don’t you like me just as well, anyhow? I’m me without my hair, ain’t I?”

Jim looked about the room curiously.

“You say your hair is gone?” he said, with an air almost of idiocy.

“You needn’t look for it,” said Della. “It’s sold, I tell you–sold and gone, too. It’s Christmas Eve, boy. Be good to me, for it went for you. Maybe the hairs of my head were numbered,” she went on with sudden serious sweetness, “but nobody could ever count my love for you. Shall I put the chops on, Jim?”

Out of his trance Jim seemed quickly to wake. He enfolded his Della. For ten seconds let us regard with discreet scrutiny some inconsequential object in the other direction. Eight dollars a week or a million a year–what is the difference? A mathematician or a wit would give you the wrong answer. The magi brought valuable gifts, but that was not among them. This dark assertion will be illuminated later on.

Jim drew a package from his overcoat pocket and threw it upon the table.

“Don’t make any mistake, Dell,” he said, “about me. I don’t think there’s anything in the way of a haircut or a shave or a shampoo that could make me like my girl any less. But if you’ll unwrap that package you may see why you had me going a while at first.”

White fingers and nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy; and then, alas! a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails, necessitating the immediate employment of all the comforting powers of the lord of the flat.

For there lay The Combs–the set of combs, side and back, that Della had worshipped long in a Broadway window. Beautiful combs, pure tortoise shell, with jewelled rims–just the shade to wear in the beautiful vanished hair. They were expensive combs, she knew, and her heart had simply craved and yearned over them without the least hope of possession. And now, they were hers, but the tresses that should have adorned the coveted adornments were gone.

But she hugged them to her bosom, and at length she was able to look up with dim eyes and a smile and say: “My hair grows so fast, Jim!”

And them Della leaped up like a little singed cat and cried, “Oh, oh!”

Jim had not yet seen his beautiful present. She held it out to him eagerly upon her open palm. The dull precious metal seemed to flash with a reflection of her bright and ardent spirit.

“Isn’t it a dandy, Jim? I hunted all over town to find it. You’ll have to look at the time a hundred times a day now. Give me your watch. I want to see how it looks on it.”

Instead of obeying, Jim tumbled down on the couch and put his hands under the back of his head and smiled.

“Dell,” said he, “let’s put our Christmas presents away and keep ‘em a while. They’re too nice to use just at present. I sold the watch to get the money to buy your combs. And now suppose you put the chops on.”

The magi, as you know, were wise men–wonderfully wise men–who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi.

Happy Hannukah, Happy Winter Solstice, Merry Christmas, or Kwanzaa. May 2008 bring peace to us all.
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Gift of the Magi - Part I by O. Henry

December 24, 2007

For Christmas, I give you the gift of O. Henry. I love O. Henry’s ironic wit and sentimentality. I can’t buy gifts for those who stop by these pages, but I can share a gift of the season. For the next two nights, I’ll be reading you this story:

One dollar and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer and the vegetable man and the butcher until one’s cheeks burned with the silent imputation of parsimony that such close dealing implied. Three times Della counted it. One dollar and eighty- seven cents. And the next day would be Christmas.

There was clearly nothing to do but flop down on the shabby little couch and howl. So Della did it. Which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating.

While the mistress of the home is gradually subsiding from the first stage to the second, take a look at the home. A furnished flat at $8 per week. It did not exactly beggar description, but it certainly had that word on the lookout for the mendicancy squad.

In the vestibule below was a letter-box into which no letter would go, and an electric button from which no mortal finger could coax a ring. Also appertaining thereunto was a card bearing the name “Mr. James Dillingham Young.”

The “Dillingham” had been flung to the breeze during a former period of prosperity when its possessor was being paid $30 per week. Now, when the income was shrunk to $20, though, they were thinking seriously of contracting to a modest and unassuming D. But whenever Mr. James Dillingham Young came home and reached his flat above he was called “Jim” and greatly hugged by Mrs. James Dillingham Young, already introduced to you as Della. Which is all very good.

Della finished her cry and attended to her cheeks with the powder rag. She stood by the window and looked out dully at a gray cat walking a gray fence in a gray backyard. Tomorrow would be Christmas Day, and she had only $1.87 with which to buy Jim a present. She had been saving every penny she could for months, with this result. Twenty dollars a week doesn’t go far. Expenses had been greater than she had calculated. They always are. Only $1.87 to buy a present for Jim. Her Jim. Many a happy hour she had spent planning for something nice for him. Something fine and rare and sterling–something just a little bit near to being worthy of the honor of being owned by Jim.

There was a pier-glass between the windows of the room. Perhaps you have seen a pier-glass in an $8 flat. A very thin and very agile person may, by observing his reflection in a rapid sequence of longitudinal strips, obtain a fairly accurate conception of his looks. Della, being slender, had mastered the art.

Suddenly she whirled from the window and stood before the glass. her eyes were shining brilliantly, but her face had lost its color within twenty seconds. Rapidly she pulled down her hair and let it fall to its full length.

Now, there were two possessions of the James Dillingham Youngs in which they both took a mighty pride. One was Jim’s gold watch that had been his father’s and his grandfather’s. The other was Della’s hair. Had the queen of Sheba lived in the flat across the airshaft, Della would have let her hair hang out the window some day to dry just to depreciate Her Majesty’s jewels and gifts. Had King Solomon been the janitor, with all his treasures piled up in the basement, Jim would have pulled out his watch every time he passed, just to see him pluck at his beard from envy.

So now Della’s beautiful hair fell about her rippling and shining like a cascade of brown waters. It reached below her knee and made itself almost a garment for her. And then she did it up again nervously and quickly. Once she faltered for a minute and stood still while a tear or two splashed on the worn red carpet.

On went her old brown jacket; on went her old brown hat. With a whirl of skirts and with the brilliant sparkle still in her eyes, she fluttered out the door and down the stairs to the street.

Where she stopped the sign read: “Mne. Sofronie. Hair Goods of All Kinds.” One flight up Della ran, and collected herself, panting. Madame, large, too white, chilly, hardly looked the “Sofronie.”

“Will you buy my hair?” asked Della.

“I buy hair,” said Madame. “Take yer hat off and let’s have a sight at the looks of it.”

Down rippled the brown cascade.

“Twenty dollars,” said Madame, lifting the mass with a practised hand.

“Give it to me quick,” said Della.

Oh, and the next two hours tripped by on rosy wings. Forget the hashed metaphor. She was ransacking the stores for Jim’s present.

She found it at last. It surely had been made for Jim and no one else. There was no other like it in any of the stores, and she had turned all of them inside out. It was a platinum fob chain simple and chaste in design, properly proclaiming its value by substance alone and not by meretricious ornamentation–as all good things should do. It was even worthy of The Watch. As soon as she saw it she knew that it must be Jim’s. It was like him. Quietness and value–the description applied to both. Twenty-one dollars they took from her for it, and she hurried home with the 87 cents. With that chain on his watch Jim might be properly anxious about the time in any company. Grand as the watch was, he sometimes looked at it on the sly on account of the old leather strap that he used in place of a chain.

When Della reached home her intoxication gave way a little to prudence and reason. She got out her curling irons and lighted the gas and went to work repairing the ravages made by generosity added to love. Which is always a tremendous task, dear friends–a mammoth task.

Within forty minutes her head was covered with tiny, close-lying curls that made her look wonderfully like a truant schoolboy. She looked at her reflection in the mirror long, carefully, and critically.

“If Jim doesn’t kill me,” she said to herself, “before he takes a second look at me, he’ll say I look like a Coney Island chorus girl. But what could I do–oh! what could I do with a dollar and eighty- seven cents?”

At 7 o’clock the coffee was made and the frying-pan was on the back of the stove hot and ready to cook the chops.

Jim was never late. Della doubled the fob chain in her hand and sat on the corner of the table near the door that he always entered. Then she heard his step on the stair away down on the first flight, and she turned white for just a moment. She had a habit for saying little silent prayer about the simplest everyday things, and now she whispered: “Please God, make him think I am still pretty.”

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Uncle Doreen’s Sex Driver’s Manual

September 20, 2007

Tonight’s guest blogger is Uncle Doreen. Give it up for her take on auto-romance.

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Most of us remember as we approached our late teens how anxious we were to learn to drive a car. The excitement, the freedom, the “I am in charge” thrill pushed us to memorize the driver’s manual and all the mechanical and operational details of a 2-ton vehicle. Classes were taught, parents and teachers provided advice, and friends shared their experiences. The end result is most of us understand how to reasonably drive a car and get from point A to point B rather successfully.

Sometimes I wish that the same attention was given to other “drive” associated with the teenage years…

How different would my dating life be had I received accurate information at 16? If only I had had a class on what to expect instead of the rather poorly illustrated book left on my bed when I turned 13. If only those better informed adults in my life had shared their own mistakes and offered their words of wisdom rather than the cursory and vaguely sinister, “Be Careful,” shouted as the screen door slammed behind me as I ran out of the house to meet my friends. Just a little more information could have provided a wealth of knowledge that would have been shared among my peers instead of perpetuating the exaggerated stories of “the curse” and how we could get pregnant by kissing in a swimming pool.

So, I have decided to start my own manual. Something I can pass down for generations of lesbians to come (pun intended). I’m still roughing it out before it gets picked up as the next bestseller, but give me time:

Uncle Doreen’s Sex Driver’s Manual:

When choosing your method of “transportation” it is important to consider whether you are a Manual or Automatic kind of person. Being qualified to handle both definitely increases your flexibility in all situations. However, both have their advantages and disadvantages.

Manual - Has an independent energy source and is a traveling companion that will not alert airport security. The downside: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from over use.

Automatic - While it provides consistent power and an almost hands-free ride, there is the possibility that power failure is possible shortly before reaching a summit. Note that locating an electrical socket is not always possible.

Study Terms:

Parallel Parking: More commonly known as a threesome. Not many people can parallel park successfully. Often you may park too closely to another parallel parker and the third parker will get upset and furiously drive away.

Illegal Lane Change: Beginning a new relationship while still in your current one. This is often done unexpectedly at the first sign of a possible opening and without any signaling to anyone else in the other respective lanes.

Rear View Mirror: Reminiscing about past relationships. Although it is enjoyable to see where you have been, you may not notice the hazard ahead if your girlfriend knew what that smile was really about.

U-Turn: Going back to your ex-girlfriend

Illegal U-Turn: Going back to men.

Carpool: Dating exclusively within your own social circle. For those that do not enjoy a casual drive into other neighborhoods, this seems to be an effective method. Warning: It does eventually lead to everyone in the car feeling uncomfortable and eventually seeking out other means of social transportation.

On Board Storage: Depending on the person, emotional baggage may fit in a glove box, trunk, or if necessary, the overhead storage rack. Some individuals find that a trailer and hitch are useful. They never have to unload their baggage, can still fit more baggage in, and can easily take it from relationship to relationship

Speed: Some relationships take the slow scenic route, also known as the School Zone. Others insist on quicker gratification on the Autobahn. It is vital to determine which speed your partner is comfortable with or you will hear the inevitable words, “I think we are going too fast.”

Safety Harness: Should always be used in conjunction with a safety word.

Maps: If you don’t know where you are going, please stop and ask for directions. Nothing is more upsetting than having your passenger spend 15 minutes licking your belly button thinking they are actually accomplishing anything.

FUI (Fucking Under the Influence): Responsibility while consuming alcoholic beverages can not be stressed enough. Relationships that start as “the one night stand that stayed,” are destined for a bumpy ride.

Dead End: “We need to talk…”

Slippery When Wet: Self-explanatory. And if you need an explanation, it’s time to go back to sex driver’s ed.

Maintenance of your vehicle is vital. Who doesn’t enjoy that new car smell? Keeping your vehicle clean and in good running condition will ensure that passengers welcome a ride when offered. Trying to do last minute clean up before a date may work in a pinch, but my motto is, “If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.”

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Tales From The Darkside

August 17, 2007

Welcome back to TCFKASPO , tonight’s guest blogger.  I’ll be back soon–after I take a look at the ideas submitted for next week’s blogventure.  Thanks to everyone for coming up with ideas.  If you haven’t yet, leave a comment on yesterday’s entry, or email me directly.

It’s rarely talked about in real truth.  There is conjecture.  There are assumptions.  There are outright lies.  Then there is the truth.

You hear it from all sides.  The media is too liberal.  The media is too conservative.  The media is too (insert your cause that isn’t getting enough attention here).

The truly shocking part of those statements is they are ALL TRUE.

This all became abundantly clear to me this week when I was interviewed by a local radio station about a very controversial (to a very organized small group of people) project for which I am the  “spokesperson” when media requests comment.

I did the interview.  Had all my sound bites down.  Key messages internalized.  I nailed it.  “Thank god, I’m not going to be fired over this one.” 

Rewind 15 years.

I am a 20-year-old college student who needs an internship to graduate.  I decide, “hey TV news sounds easy, I’ll do that.”  (Read: not the best student in the world).   Eight years later, I was still in the TV news business.  Inside the morning editorial meetings, many seasoned and much older TV news veterans bantered about what they’d like to cover for the day.  School board this… new housing development that… But, at the end of the day, it was I, a moronic 25 year old that decided what you, the television news viewer, got to see as the “news of the day.”

On many occasions we would interrupt our broadcast with THE MOST overused term in TV news today: “Breaking news.”

To me now, breaking news means a gunman is on the loose in your neighborhood or a gas leak means you should stay inside.  To me then, it meant a high-speed chase that affected really no one.  Or an accident that happened 12 hours prior.  I can’t tell you how many times I’d ask a reporter to “go live” from the scene of a story that was completely “scene less” because “something” happened there a few hours before.  I’d slap “breaking news” logos all over your television and make it seem like this was THE MOST important thing in your life.  I even remember one time when I broke into “All My Children” (Do not piss off Soap Opera watchers as they clogged our phone lines for hours) for a car chase.  We had a “live reporter” in the newsroom basically telling you “look there’s a car, it’s going fast… wait wait, it’s now going South… no, sorry that’s North.”  The car finally crashes into a guardrail or another car or a bus… the newsroom literally started cheering, if you were watching, you could have heard how damn excited we were that we had “great TV” unfolding in front of our own eyes.  I actually won an Emmy award for “Best Breaking News Coverage” for this event.  I was so excited then.  Today, though, it’s a totally different story.

See, after my interview aired on the radio station the other day, I was shocked.  My sound bites were completely edited differently than I said them.  It was embarrassing how in one sound bite you could hear different voice tones and inflections.  The good news, however, was that the reporter was personally in favor of this project.  Had she not been, she could have manipulated my sound bites however she liked and no one would have questioned it.

This might seem like a “no-shit Sherlock” to many of you.  Like, “Duh, we all know the media slants stories, executes a pre-determined agenda.”  However to me, a TV news veteran myself now, it was a huge wake-up call.

I heard stories from dozens of people who heard me on the radio, saying “you sounded great,” or “atta boy,” so the mainstream mass media still has tremendous reach.

However, instead of feeling great, I felt a bit sick.  I went to school then into the media because I thought I could make a difference.  The truth is, the Dark Side has nothing to do with making a difference.  It has to do with competition, agendas, political leanings, money, ratings, etc.  Take it from someone who was there, beware of what you are seeing, reading, listening to, as it has already been pre-determined.

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Talkin’ About My Generation?

July 25, 2007

Today’s guest blogger is a regular contributor, my favorite commentator on all things pop culture–KG.

I was going to write a guest blog for HAH on the complete lack of any magazine not pertaining to parenting or children at my gynecologist’s office, but I’ll save that for another day. Lindsay Lohan got arrested last night people, and so, my celebrity gossip obsession beckons… 

HAH pointed out something to me today that made my blood run cold…technically, Miss Lohan is of my generation. Even with her now in early 20s and my 20s fading fast, we are, as they say, of the same ilk. This terrifies me. I point and laugh at those trampy girls in the bar with their naughty bits exposed, blowing rails off the bathroom sink. My girlfriends and I snicker at their bleached hair and scorching fake tans. But now I have to ask myself – when I was first able to legally order a gin and tonic from my college watering hole…was I any different?

The answer is yes, but it’s not for the reason you think. It’s not because I was better, it’s not because I was smarter or rated lower on the skank-scale (ok, well, maybe the skanky part). I narrowly escaped Lohan-itis simply because the tidal wave of Bimbo just lapped at my ankles but didn’t come crashing over me. I got out just in time. I saw the first signs of it as I was finishing school. More and more beautiful women were starting to come back from spring break with a new set of breasts. My younger sorority sisters, who once found cheap thrills in drinking a beer underage, were quietly buying white powder from the dealer down the hall to stay thin. Somewhere along the way, society started sending the message to women, Lindsay included, that you had to resemble Pamela Anderson or Britney Spears or flash the Girls Gone Wild camera to be ‘someone,’ to make friends, and to…gasp…make boys like you. And so off they went to the plastic surgeon and tanning salon in pursuit of their future. There were inklings of this when I was still in my early twenties for sure, but lets just say the Pussycat Dolls weren’t in the Billboard Top 40 as of yet. 

I feel very lucky that it was ok to wear baggy overalls and a baseball cap when I was hanging out with my friends, rather than a cowboy hat and micro-mini. I am so relieved that having 2 drinks and getting a little tipsy constituted my group of friends’ wild Saturday nights. Sure we had our fun, but no one left their panties at home or struck a pose for Joe Francis’ cameras.

So there it is – Lindsay Lohan is, somewhat, part of my generation. And I would say the first half of my generation had it much, much easier than the latter. It really isn’t, entirely, Lindsay’s fault. She’s essentially living in the world that was created for her. But still, someone get the girl a driver…and a sandwich. 

As counterpoint to KG’s opinions, I direct you to Just A Girl in Short Shorts.

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I Fought The Law And I Won

April 11, 2007

SPO’s ongoing saga has an ending…

With all the credit going to HAH contributor Chris Wilcox, I must make a formal announcement – which from now on will be referred to as the Puff Daddy Rule. 

No longer will I be known as “Still Pissed Off”.  I hereby declare my new name “The contributor formally known as still pissed off.” (TCFKASPO)

Why you ask?

Well, turns out this lesson I’ve been involved in “How to Waste One’s Time 101,” turned out not to be a waste at all.

My speeding ticket was dismissed in court today!

Nearly 5 months to the day of dealing with the lovely justice system.  I showed up to court today, spiffily dressed, as always.

As roll call was being conducted, I hear my name (mispronounced as usual) – I yell out “here.”  Next the clerk asked for the officer, and what followed was absolute bliss.  Who knew silence could sound so sweet.

The officer did not show up in court.  Ticket dismissed.  Money refunded.  Judge actually quite entertaining.

It was an interesting experience, especially while listening to all the other poor saps whose ticketing officers were actually there in court.  Not a single one of them won.

For those of you who know me, you can understand that a bit of good luck going my way is something I really needed.

Thanks for your suggestions and support.

Until next time.

TCFKASPO

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Come On, HAH, Play The Game!

April 9, 2007

This is a public service announcement from today’s guest blogger, Joe of Yes! I’m Joe.  He’s trying to talk me into playing one of these machines, but I’ve been resistant.  But, apparently, I need to join the 21st Century.  Nah, sounds way too complicated.

Warning: This may require some abbreviated knowledge of video game consoles and a long attention span, “Yes! I’m Joe” is not responsible for any explosions on your unentertained adult minds, and all complaints/lawsuits should go to his mother at Hahn at Home.

My dad played video games way back when there was “Pong.”  He started playing again when he got my brother, sister, and I a Playstation 1; he played Spyro (the first one) and let me tell you…he sucked.

He stopped playing for awhile, but he watched as two more kids showed up along with another console, the Nintendo 64.  He didn’t play much of that either, due to the huge controller and the few games we had.

A few years later, he finally plays the Nintendo 64, and likes some Pokemon (or as my HAH says, Pokey-man) but then Ben and I got the no-so-new Nintendo Gamecube. When we brought it down to our dad’s, our little brothers (Parker and Mat) were all over it, so he got Parker one (but he had to share with Mat).  Mat got one and then there weren’t any upgrades for a few years.

I got this fun twisted game called Warioware (Gamecube version) and my dad loved it.  I got it for them for Christmas 2006. 

Then, Ben’s 16th birthday came along and he got (with him paying what he said was over three-fourths) an Xbox 360.  He started playing Halo 2 and was not so good.

Then I got the magical white box called the Nintendo Wii.  Parker and Mat love it more then the Gamecube (if that’s possible) and my dad enjoys watching, he even played it a little bit.

Then he convinces Jen, my step-mom, to play with him… in a boxing match. I wish I had a camera then–I would have put the very embarrassing/funny video on Youtube, and later my website.

I had no idea Jen liked video games so much, besides puzzle games like Bejeweled.  (Though she played Harry Potter on the Playstation and Gameboy Color)

Now they have a big HDTV and they are/were looking on getting either an Xbox 360 or Playstation 3 (But they could get a Wii and Xbox 360 for the same price as a PS3 (not counting tax), so they could have blu-ray and HDTV along with games.

Then they found out the TV only has 1080 I not 1080 P, the needed amount of HDTV. 

So they do plan on getting a PS3, but not anytime soon.  The main thing I’m saying is my dad and step-mom finally like video games.  Now if only mom wasn’t so stubborn.

The Wii was played over 24 hours in four days in being at my dad’s house (3 days being school/work days)

If you are still clueless on what a PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii systems are please go here:

X-box: http://www.xbox.com/en-US/hardware/default.htm

PS3: http://www.us.playstation.com/PS3

Wii: http://wii.nintendo.com/

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Another Look At The Good Old Days

April 8, 2007

It strikes me that as I get nearer and nearer to 50, the tough things about growing up have given way to warmer, fuzzier more myopic memories, and seems I’m not alone.  Today’s guest blogger is one of the old friends–from way, way back…Chris of Red Hog Diary.

I received an email from the endearing author of this fabulous blog asking for a submission to grace her pages.  The request came with the dubious instruction of “blogging about something totally unsuitable for (my own) blog.”  Hey!  What’s wrong with the stuff on my blog I wonder?  Okay, maybe you frequent these pages for the same reason I do; to escape the unending disappointing news coming out of our Nation’s Capitol.  You will find no such diversion on my site.  I come here to check up on the zany adventures of a lady I share some history with who now lives in a world fairly dissimilar from that which I enjoy back in Iowa.  Hell, they have palm trees where Lori lives now.  Lori and I literally grew up together back in Iowa and as Iowan’s are only now beginning to thaw from winter’s icy grip I am envious of her palm tree world. 

I’m not so sure if growing up in Iowa was much different than growing up in California or wherever you may live.  Well, psshaw, other than if it was new and hip for you, we didn’t know about it until several years later.  But I know growing up, even in Iowa, is very different now than it was for Lori and I back in the day.  In those simpler times we were turned loose to roam the town on our bicycles as soon as we could prove that we could make it to the end of the street without a wipe-out and we took full advantage of that freedom.  There were great adventures to be had as the entire city was our playground.  We knew that while we were away from home we were to respect our elders and to be home by dark and that worked out well for everyone.

Nobody worried about drugs or thugs or abductions back then although we did occasionally break open pop-corn balls in search of hidden razor blades if we gathered them from a family we did not know while trick or treating.  That was about the limit for our fear of strangers growing up in Iowa.  I never knew of anybody who actually found a razor blade in their Halloween popcorn ball but we were diligent in our inspection none the less.  Somebody must have must have received an ominous popcorn ball at some time or place, but I have no first hand knowledge of it.  I loved those popcorn balls and it would have been a shame to have to question whether or not a blade I found in one was sanitary or not.  Lord knows you wouldn’t want to eat a popcorn ball that had been wrapped around a used razor blade.

Those were wonderful days when we anxiously awaited the next new song to be released by the Beatles, our streets were safe and we knew all of our neighbors.  We grew up in the glory years before road rage and Internet predators and after those three mile walks back and forth to school, up hill both ways, for a half hour lunch where part of our household chores included digging new outhouse pits and pumping water by hand.  How our parents did all of that in only a half an hour I will never know.  When we grew up our air was clean and our neighborhoods still had woods at the end of the block.  We could run and jump and play in those woods all day and we built some of the coolest forts that kids could ever imagine.  The neighborhood store sold real penny candy and once we graduated from high school Mr. and Mrs. Schultz, the owners of the corner store, finally told us “Just call us Bob and Maxine.”   

Video games, cell phones, high-def TV and the internet are all cool things and I’m sure my kids would never imagine it desirable to exchange the eras of our youth.  That, to me, is unfortunate.  I’m a little sad for them for all of their modern convenience.  While we longed for the opportunity to just once in our life experience the joy of instant gratification it is now the norm for kids today.  I seem to remember the wanting was always somewhat better than the getting in the end.  We had to rely on our imaginations for a lot of our fun and I never recall feeling that I was deprived with that limitation.  I suppose it was the not knowing what we didn’t have that made the conditions of our youth so bearable.  Kids today aren’t afforded that luxury.  And now, here I am, pining for the good old days.  Something that, when I was a kid, I swore I would never do. 

I wonder what tales of my youth that my kids will repeat to their children as analogous to the three mile, outhouse-hole-digging, water pumping, half hour walk home from school lunch story my parents told me?  Do you think they will find it unbelievable that our televisions had only three channels, the picture was black and white and our homes only had one telephone and it was connected to the wall with a wire?  Will they wonder how we survived by researching term papers with actual hard bound books, had to carry our mail to a post office or actually had to go into the credit union to get cash for the weekend?  Maybe.  It already sounds kind of crazy to me!

 Things ain’t what they used to be and probably never was.  ~Will Rogers

 

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I Fought The Law

April 6, 2007

Please welcome back “Still Pissed Off” and his continuing travails with the justice system.

It’s that time.

I’ve been running uphill.

Swimming upstream.

Peeing into the wind.

But, my time has come.

On April 10th, I finally have my day in court.

For those of you who don’t know my story or me here’s the short version:

-Pulled over for speeding

-Get treated like crap from CHP officer who gives me completely false information

-Decide to waste my time and fight the ticket

-Send in a Trial by Written Declaration

-Lose

-Send in my Trial De Novo (ask for a real court trial)

-Continue to waste my time

-Get a notice in the mail saying that it’s time for me to face the Judge on April 10th

So, this is where you come in.  Anyone ever done this successfully?  Any advice will be greatly appreciated.  I feel as though this is the judicial equivalent of the Ohio State NCAA basketball team.  No one really gives me a chance, but hopes I play a competitive game.

In the immortal words of one of my all-time favorite movies, 12 Angry Men:

Juror #2: It’s hard to put into words. I just think he’s guilty. I thought it was obvious from the word, ‘Go’. Nobody proved otherwise.
Juror #8: Nobody has to prove otherwise. The burden of proof is on the prosecution. The defendant doesn’t even have to open his mouth. That’s in the Constitution.

Wish me luck.