Friday Funk

Thanks to everyone who took time out to write to me regarding my post “Shades of Grey.” I had no idea it was going to resonate with people in such a personal way. Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days. It’s been a busy,eventful week. And, I’ve had a couple of major disappointments that left me in a slight state of despair. Not the, “I’m going to open the window to my office and jump,” kind of despair, but more of the “Jeez, doesn’t this shit ever get any easier?” kind of way. Neither of which I feel like discussing. So there. But, in the spirit of what has tended to be either an Ask the Middle Age Lesbian or a quizzerific day, I found this over at Life As We Know It. I’m not quite sure I get this whole LOLCat thing, but this one did make me laugh. I draw the line at doing the quiz though, but you can here: Which LOLCat are you?

And, in the spirit of distracting me from my own troubles, don’t forget, you can send in tales of your own confusion or concerns to Ask the Middle Age Lesbian at lori at hahnathome dot com. She’s standing by, ready to give you a piece of what remains of her mind.

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: MAL Meets MAL

Dear Middle-Aged Lesbian,

I know this sounds cracked. Well, I should have known better, right? Here’s my sad tale: I had an ad up for Internet dating and so I responded to her when she wrote. Her story was she was footloose and fancy-free, almost, with a son she shared custody of who was in high school. Her ex-husband and she co-parented just fine. She lived about 40 miles away and though she’d love to invite me over, it would probably be better to travel to my location, as it had better restaurants.

So, we went out for dinner. As part of dinner conversation, I asked her when the last time she had been with a man was, and she firmly stated that it was well over 3 years ago.

The horn-dog in me overcame my usually cautious nature in such matters, and we slept together about 20 minutes after we finished our dinner full of double-entendres and footsie under the table. It was a night to remember, to be sure. And, had she not left her watch at my place, things might have been totally different. I always seem to have trouble with the one-night stand.

So, along we go. I did notice that somehow I never went to her place. And, oddly, she told me this story about needing to move in with her ex-husband for a while to save expenses. And, I only had her cell phone number.

One day, after a dawning of, “What the fuck?” and probing beyond the superficial, she told me that she had always lived with her ex-husband, that she really meant she hadn’t been with a man not 3 years ago ago…oh, no….not 13 months ago…no, no, but 3 months ago (not her ex-husband), and oh, gosh, did she mention she was not out anywhere—in fact, was not a lesbian at all, but decidedly bi-sexual. But, she would be coming out—she was getting there, really. She produced divorce papers and indeed she was divorced for 10 years and seemed to be waiting for her much older husband to drink himself to death to get all he had. Still, she was some pretty hot stuff.

I continued to see her. One weekend, I’d had it. She once again spent a long stretch unavailable by cell because she was home and couldn’t take the call. I packed up her crap and left her a message. I was bringing her stuff to her house. I was through. It was driving rain. Miraculously, she had gotten the message and left me 25 voice mails while I drove. Amazing how attentive she could be after all. I wouldn’t pick up. That would teach her.

I arrived in front of her house. I called her again. I said, she can either come out and get it or I’d put it in the back of her truck in the driveway. She whined and cried that she couldn’t come out and threaten her situation. I left the stuff in the truck bed.

She called me a month later and wanted to take me to dinner. She missed me. She missed how I made her feel.

I let her take me to a very expensive restaurant and told her, for all to hear, I wasn’t going to fuck her in exchange for dinner, but what a great dinner. She threw her purse at me. We rode back in silence, she slammed the door and off she went.

MAL, should I have written a thank you for the dinner anyway?

Signed,
Much Smarter Now (aka MAL)

Dear MSN,

Thank goodness you are much smarter now. It took you, what, eight years? I saw you driving through that town today—your face in the rear view was a dead giveaway. Now, since I was there and I remember this all very clearly, all I can say is that there is a reason you are now in a place to have an advice column. You’ve made every stupid move there is to make in the existence of dating as we know it. Good thing you finally let your brain participate in your relationships. Dumb ass.

Self Love to You, MAL

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: Does My 6-Year-Old Need To Know?

Dear MAL -

Dear MAL,

I have a 6 year old son from a previous marriage, and he’s grown close to my girlfriend of 2 years. My girlfriend and I are openly affectionate around him and with him, and he knows we love each other and him. He calls her my “friend” and it’s never been an issue for him. His dad and I are civil, so I think he is taught tolerance/acceptance with his dad, too. I’ve been really happy that my son sees the love in his family and hasn’t been taught stereotypes that are hurtful.

My girlfriend and I recently met a woman who’s been with her partner for 10 years and has helped raise her partner’s son since he was 2. They live together and are a family. She told us that they were recently “outed” to her son at school, though. Despite their living situation, he had never thought of his mom as a lesbian, and it was startling for him to hear her called names when he’d never thought that he was in an LGBT family.

It surprised me: I haven’t been using the words gay and lesbian to my son because it’s never been an issue. But now I wonder if I’m not giving him tools to deal with intolerance as he gets older. I’ve since brought up the words, and he listened but I couldn’t tell if it made much of an impact. I don’t think he has much of a frame of reference yet.

I was wondering what you thought. Even if it’s not a big deal in our households, should we make it a big deal to our kids? Should we actively teach them that they will likely hear negative comments, or wait until they ask and take those opportunities?

Queer Mama

Dear Queer Mama,

Six, huh? Well, kids, they are smart, you know, and know way more than we think they do. Lots of questions pop up, like, do you and your girlfriend cohabitate? And, most importantly, where do you live? Attitudes vary, even among the elementary school set, thanks to some other parents and staff. My heart sunk a little for your friends who were outed, causing their child such a shock. I kind of thought of it like finding out you’re adopted at age 35. WTF?

Do you identify as a lesbian? Have you dealt with your own internalized homophobia? We all probably have a bit here and there, no matter our situation. I don’t say that to be insulting—but merely as something to put in the palm of your hand, to roll around, and allow to take shape as you ponder what it means to you to be lesbian. Beyond giving him tools – it’s good for him to know you have an identity beyond mom.

Kids need to know that their situation may be different from that of their playmates and classmates. Whether that’s sitting down and explaining to him how different families are made up or reading “Heather Has Two Mommies,” or plunking in a DVD of “Buddy G” with accompanying discussion. He’s going to get teased or worse, and that’s the way it will, sadly, probably be—but that should not be tolerated and becomes an issue for the administration of his school to deal with in tandem with you if that does occur. He should know it might occur. However, I do believe you have to provide a healthy understanding in him that his situation is different—not bad, and not abnormal, just different. Help him come up with responses that work for him to counter any teasing.

Using the words may or may not make an impact today, but becoming comfortable with them and understanding them in a positive context and not the negative one he’ll run across on the playground is very important. Keep talking to him. It’s not making it a “big deal,” but is going to ground him in reality.

My kids have always known I am lesbian. But, they have a lot of pressure to conform. I remember one day when my oldest boy was having new friends over and my then partner and I had our anniversary cards up on the counter. He ran in ahead of his friends, scooped up all the cards, tossed them behind the toaster, and then went out to bring his friends in. We gave him the latitude to do what was comfortable to him at that point in his life. We didn’t walk around proclaiming our lesbianism—we carpooled, PTA’d, were friendly with the neighbors, had kids to our house for weekends, and did all the things other parents did. No one ever said anything to us about being lesbian – though they all knew – but they also knew we were a family. The kids responded to the fact that they could feel safe about being in a family that was different.

I could go on and on how that has developed through their teen years, but you get the idea.

Here’s what I’d recommend: Check out the local chapter of Colage in your area. It’s a great organization that was created for the children of alternative families. See if it’s something that might benefit your son as he grows—he may need to find others like himself who belong to a family that isn’t heteronormative. Even if they don’t have a chapter near you, you and your family can take advantage of their programs and he can take advantage of the pen pal program and email lists for kids his age.

Let me know how this goes, huh?

Pride Parent,
MAL

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: Should I Come Out At Work?

Heather, at Wishful Writer, is a finalist for the 2008 Bloggies under the GLBT category. Be sure to go vote for this extremely funny and thoughtful writer right away and vote often.

Dear MAL:

I’ve just started a new job in the “corporate” world. I’m struggling with the decision to come out to my co-workers. I’ve been out at previous jobs, but this is my first time in this type of environment. I’ve talked in abstracts for so long it’s actually second nature to me. I tend not to tell people unless directly asked, but I have not actively been hiding who I am. I still shop in the men’s department (even when with co-workers) and wear my masculine casual wear after work and on weekends. I think they know, but are afraid to ask. How do I put it out there in a casual way?

Suddenly Corporate

Dear Suddenly,

Honey, where I come from, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a freakin’ duck. Or, in this case, a dyke. Seriously, you have to consider where you are. Is it safe? That first. If it isn’t safe, keep yourself safe. Some states are safer than others – Ohio, for example, is in the basement, ranking dead last (50^th) in protections for LGBT people.

You could always wear your “I’m not gay but my girlfriend is” t-shirt to work. That is subtle, right? Or greet strangers with, “Hi, I’m Suddenly Corporate and I’m a dyke, thank the Goddess, nice looking wife you have there.” Pepper your language with off color jokes or exhibit other inappropriate workplace behavior. Become a negative stereotype so they can all nod and smugly say to themselves, “Ah, yes, I knew they were like that.”

The advice is simple, Suddenly, be who you are. Don’t do anything differently than you would if you were “out.” Don’t make any announcements or pronouncements. Don’t change the way you dress, don’t change the way you talk or what you talk about. Don’t bring or not bring anyone to anything that you wouldn’t if you were out. Start speaking with pronouns. Keep paying your taxes and your rent. Be kind to children and animals. Show up for work on time, get along with your coworkers. Be yourself. That’s how we change the perceptions of those who are against us out of ignorance. Live your life. Ooops, that is coming out, isn’t it–it’s just not bustin’ out.

If someone asks you an inappropriate question, go to the Dear Abby school of tactful replies and say, “I can’t imagine why you think you could ask something like that,” or, just reply, “You first…come on, you can tell me.”

Just be cautious – if you have employers who don’t appreciate you being you, you may not be protected under the law, especially as a probationary employee. In fact, there’s a good chance you wouldn’t be until the laws change, if, say, you were in Ohio—and, honey, it’s been a struggle all over the damned country, ya’ know? Contact your local LGBT Community Center , HRC, Lambda Legal, or the NCLR for more about the laws protecting you in your state.

Best, MAL

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: I’m Having An Existensial Crisis

Dear Middle-Age Lesbian:

I’m having a bit of an existential crisis. I have my own business and find myself dragging me and my bathrobe and slippers into my office/bedroom is more than I can handle sometimes. But I’m not really complaining. I wouldn’t call this “work.” 2008 will need to be the year I figure out what I’m going to do with my life. Before I know it, my child, who is still in elementary school, will be in college and I’ll, well, I’ll be kind of old so I might not need to worry about it, after all.

But, that’s not why I’m writing. I have to go to my husband’s holiday party tonight. Joy. My husband told me he now works with someone who worked for my old company for about a month and basically told him she hated working there (for me).

She had a funny name. I don’t remember her. Can you imagine telling your boss that you hated his wife? This party is sounding better and better. Despite the fact I don’t remember her and that she has a funny name, should I torture her tonight, or subtly sabotage her career through use of subliminal messages as my husband reads his paper over breakfast in the morning and “ignores” me?

Signed,

Bitter, Part of One

Dear Bitter,

I don’t get the whole Generation X,Y,Z whatever the fuck generation thing—you know, they want to live at home with mom and dad, have no responsibility, and when they go to work, they want the world handed to them on a silver platter because they’ve been told their entire lives they are “special.” They got awards for just participating and their teachers were worried red pen would hurt their itty-bitty wittle feelings. They are so used to being shuttled to activities that fill up every millisecond of their days, they wouldn’t know what to do with free time. They declare every idea to pop from their mouth to be brilliant and the old fashioned people who still might be in charge out-of-touch. They go away to college and use over half of their cell minutes calling mommy because they can’t do anything on their own. They are so dialed in to cell phones and MySpace they never bother to learn how to drive. Fuck ‘em.

I’d get a bottle of Port and stay home. Send the kid to the babysitter and when your husband comes home from the party, remind him why ours is the generation of Free Love.

Love,

MAL

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: I Feel the Earth Move (& the Entire Building Sway, and the Room Spin, and I Think the Entire Planetary System Got Knocked About Three Degrees)

Dear Middle-Aged Lesbian,

I just had to write you and tell you this as I just got off the phone woman of whom I’m very fond. So fond, in fact, that for one of her Christmas gifts, I sent her a Hitachi Magic Wand. I thought I’d ask that it be gift-wrapped, but apparently, in my state of excitement, I failed to realize that the company name would be on the box, so she’d have a clue, and she did, have a clue. Anyhoo, she nagged and nagged and nagged until I gave in and told her to open the damn thing as an early gift.

Well……she not only opened it but took it for a test drive!!! When she called, she just kept saying over and over again: “OMFG, OMFG, OMFG!!!!” Once I could catch my breath from laughing until I was bent over and gasping for air, I realized the trancelike state that she was in was VERY similar to my own “First Time” with “Jane.” It was just tooooooo funny. She has promptly named her “Jessie” and told me that if “Jessie” ever learns how to make her laugh, I can lose her number!!!

So I just had to let you know that my Fond Friend is already having a “Merry Christmas” thanks to the gift that just KEEPS on giving!!! Yes MAL, thanks to you, another angel just got her wings!!

Just got off the phone with Fond Friend again. She said she was too embarrassed to tell me the part about the things that went crashing to the floor from her table as she tried to get her balance.

She lives on the 6th floor. I don’t know, but if this keeps up….. will she have to move?

Vibrating with Laughter,

Good Ship HMW

Dear Good Ship HMW,

Clearly she HAS been moved. In the very best kind of way. If she does have to leave her residence due to the nuisance she’s creating, I suggest you have her move nearer to you. Sounds like you share similar interests. If the lights dim suddenly out here, I’m going to assume you two got together and had a sudden desire to make it a foursome.

I’ve always wondered how lesbian angels got their wings. I will never listen to the sound of a bell the same way again.

Power to the People!
MAL

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: I’m Coming Out, I Want The World To Know

Dear MAL,

What to do??

I am a thirty something married woman with kids. My world turned upside down last year, when I ran into this young woman. I fell for her hard, real hard… Just looking at her would make my knees weak and get butterflies in my stomach. The feelings were mutual, but I did not (could not) act on it, but got scared and ran away from her(far away, we moved to a different city, for a different reason). The feelings for her were so strong, it just scared the heck out of me!

This meeting did change me though, started some soul searching and googling, and that is how I found your blog :). I am in the process of coming out, and have come out to myself and my sister so far. I know in near future, I will be coming out to my husband (that is a whole different issue/question!), I still have to find the courage to talk to him!

The problem is, I cannot seem to forget this young woman. How can I stop thinking about her ?. I have never had feelings like this

Sincerely,
Reader

Dear Reader,

What’s love got to do with it? Isn’t it amazing how some of us can be doing our thing, living our life, with absolutely NO CLUE that we might be gay? One day, in walks that woman and BAM, our life is changed forever. Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and the sun shines brightly upon you.

Well, I think the signs were there, they were just ignored, or attributed to something else or, or, or. Thing is, you have to deal with this now. I recommend a gay-friendly therapist immediately.

The kids—tough that. I can’t say it strongly enough, before you make any drastic step like outing yourself to hubby you do the following: contact a good lawyer (get a referral through your local Gay Chamber, outreach center, or through the bar association – look for a specialist in gay family court issues). Spend the money, no matter what, and know what your rights are before you out yourself to hubby. Develop a definite plan as to what you want before things get ugly. And, they probably will. At one point or another. Do it no matter what you think he’ll do. “Ah, he’d never do that to me,” are often the last words out of your mouth before you get hit with that request that he get sole custody due to your “perverted lifestyle.” Love those lawyers.

You’ll be dealing with pride and possession—his perception thereof–be prepared. If it turns out to be a breeze, well, then, you got lucky.

Next – live in a small town or in a city? Your savvy with the Internet should make it possible for you to find a local gay outreach center that will have resources or social settings for you to meet others like yourself. The issues, I’ve learned, for those coming out later in life, are pretty much the same. You can draw on their wisdom and have an empathetic ear. There are lots of online forums for those who might live in smaller, less gay-friendly places.

Now, the girl. Where is she? Do you keep in touch? What held you back when she was nearby? Fidelity? Fear? Examine. Kind of glad you didn’t do anything with it – as your partner (husband) thinks you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. And, that would be cheating, which is destructive to the soul. If you have some other kind of arrangement with him, then power to ya’ sister! What would change if you were together now? Does she fill your fantasies or is she someone worth leaving your life over? That’s the question.

I don’t want to scare you, but, if you do come out fully, with her or without her, it will alter everything you know to be true – to what degree you won’t know – your friends, your finances, your children, your relationship with your family, and your home. And, it won’t be you–you’ll be the same, just with a new awareness. It will be everyone else–adjusting.

The sky–that you may notice is suddenly the bluest of blue. And, I again recommend a therapist.

For me, there is no other life to live - this is who I am. For those who do make the leap, there was no choice.

You’ll get through it,

MAL

 

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: Drama In Jeans

Dear MAL,

I went to a LGBT bar last night to play pool with my friend. While there I was introduced to two others and we all played pool together. I realized quickly that I come across like a pathetic loser.

“J” asked me, “What do you do?”

I realized that I had nothing to say. I stumbled over the answer and realized the truth was all I had handy.

“Nothing.” I said, “I am unemployed right now and just take care of my kids.”

Further questioning brought to light that my kids have “two daddies” in two separate states, I do not have a college education, nor a career compass and the girlfriend I have I met on the Internet. My god I could see the Lesbian Red Flags going up as I failed each of the “Are You Drama in Jeans?” questions. Thank god the pool game moved fast enough to allow me to skirt over the fact that I am on several anti-depressants, sleep meds and I choose to play air guitar and pretend I’m Melissa Etheridge instead of volunteering at the homeless shelter or going out to have coffee on the nights the LGBT community holds court over the local coffee house. (What can I say, I’m shy)

I have been thinking that I need a good reply to the “What do you do?” question until I actually have a good answer. I suppose I could say, “I am an artist and photographer.” of course the truth is I am a “starving artist and photographer”. I mean I don’t make any money out of it or anything. So once they know that it only proves I am not quite grounded in reality. I kinda wanna say I am a ballerina… but someone might want me to pirouette or something and then what?

Signed,
Drama in Jeans

Dear Drama Girl,

Knowing who you are is so important—I’m kind of imagining you having a closet full of uniforms—I love a girl in uniform. How do you look dressed as a police officer, by the way?You could then be anything you want to be. Well, you can do that without the uniforms, come to think of it. Don’t pirouette – last time I tried that, I sprained my entire body. Just sayin’

Yes, I think you may want to skip the unemployed, depressed, insomniac, air guitarist, Internet- thing on first meeting. So, what’s the solution? You need to come up with better answer to common questions.

What do you do?

• I make red flags for lesbians. I work at home. It’s piece work. Would you like to come over for a piece?
• I’m a musical styling consultant for Melissa Etheridge. I work from home. I do a lot of pro bono. Would you like to touch the one who touches Melissa (we don’t have to tell her you think that’s you, right?)
• I’m a writer. I’m currently working on a drama called, “Drama in Blue Jeans.” It’s being pitched to Logo. It’s about a woman in her 40s who comes out late, whose has two baby daddy’s, thinks she’s Melissa Etheridge on air guitar, and struggles with balancing her meds – oh, and she loves the Internet. Right now, I’m in the research phase.
• I have a busy career in pharmaceutical research.

The list could be endless. The thing is, it’s really none of their business on first meeting. Use humor to deflect anything you aren’t comfortable answering. Or, work extensively on your flirting skills – once you start flirting, the “how does society categorize you” stuff quickly goes out the window.

Hugs, MAL

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: Toying With Her

Dear MAL:

This is a hypothetical question for, um, a friend of mine. Ok… so you have two lesbians in their 40s. One of the pair has been living the life since her late teens and has dated–much. The other is fairly new to the fold and dating her first woman. The question is—toys. The more experienced lesbian owns and has used many and a wide variety of toys. The other, not. Though the less experienced lesbian is curious, interested and occasionally anxious to try some of the toys, she is also reluctant. Fear that she won’t be aroused, able to arouse –enough for her more experienced partner. Or..that she will be MORE than the partner would have expected–given the level of experience the lesser experienced lesbian has copped to.

So I guess the question would be–how to bring two lesbians of disparate levels of experience together, harmoniously, particularly on the usage of  toys?

Signed,
Toys for Dykes

Dear Toys,

Ah, the dance of the toys. My sister gave me a very attractive box that looks somewhat like a treasure chest last year and the first thing I did was deposit all of my various toys into the box so they’d be handy and within arm’s reach to the bed. Toys and lesbians, lesbians and toys, the mere thought gets me, well, wishing I was upstairs with my Hitachi Magic Wand, the world’s most perfect toy.

This is an easy one, Toys. Many, many lesbians love their toys. They share the toys with those they love. She reached out to you here, telling you that she likes toys. She’s experienced with toys. She knows you are new to toys. She’s clearly willing to play with you and will not take her toys and go home if you play with her.

Since you aren’t specific about which toys are of particular interest to your lady love, I’m going to make at least one assumption–something that can be troublesome to the uninitiated, on both the giving and receiving side. You can go for technical advice on the operation therein. I’m also of the school that I’m not using any second-hand toys, so go to a toy shop together and pick out a couple toys that might appeal to you. If you are on the receiving end, it’s hyper-critical to get what’s comfortable. Not that I don’t have favorites myself. Not too big, and not too small, it’s just right – or so I’m told. The other toy possibilities are endless – there are bullet vibrators, double dildos, blah, blah, blah. The fun is shopping, experimenting, rolling around, being clumsy, getting smoother, experiencing what works. There are many places throughout the country to buy toys, but this place might be of interest.

Here’s the deal, Toys. No matter what her toys experience was before, it wasn’t with you. Yours will be your own, together. You’ll discover together what works for both of you. The key is talking to her about your concerns here – talking to each other is the key–wait, I said that–well, it bears repeating.

I’ve “dated” a lot of women myself (sshhh, Mom, cover your eyes) and every one of them has different needs/desires, I think your lady will agree. I don’t think you’ll have any trouble arousing her. And, if it turns out you are a natural – well, I don’t think she’s going to complain. Just a guess.

Jealously because I haven’t been toy shopping in a while,
MAL

SacTown Media Getting Ready To Launch

 

Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian is going local – yes, local.  I know you are just as excited as I am.  I could go international, like Dear Abby, or national or even state-wide, but, to date, I’ve not been asked.  So, local it is.

Sactown Media is launching in the coming weeks.  And <drumroll>, Hahn at Home will be part of this “underground, independent, alternative information resource unlike anything Sacramento has seen before!” That’s what they told me to say. 

I’ve never been underground.  I wonder if they will issue me a black beret and black turtleneck?  I’ve been practicing my Beat Generation look and Jack Kerouac writing style for minutes now.  I’ve almost got the finger snapping down.  Still, I’m a bit iffy on the whole, develop a coffee habit or become a junkie thing–and I don’t like dimly lit rooms, except the one I call my brain. 

So, rock and roll on those Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian letters here at Hahn at Home and get into practice.  I’m here to lend an ear.  As well as my freely-offered advice.  I may bite, but in a good way.  MAL publishes here on HAH on Saturdays, so letter deadline is Friday morning!

What’s in store for me in the direction I don’t take? ~ Jack Kerouac