Ask the Middle-Aged Lesbian: I’m Coming Out, I Want The World To Know

Dear MAL,

What to do??

I am a thirty something married woman with kids. My world turned upside down last year, when I ran into this young woman. I fell for her hard, real hard… Just looking at her would make my knees weak and get butterflies in my stomach. The feelings were mutual, but I did not (could not) act on it, but got scared and ran away from her(far away, we moved to a different city, for a different reason). The feelings for her were so strong, it just scared the heck out of me!

This meeting did change me though, started some soul searching and googling, and that is how I found your blog . I am in the process of coming out, and have come out to myself and my sister so far. I know in near future, I will be coming out to my husband (that is a whole different issue/question!), I still have to find the courage to talk to him!

The problem is, I cannot seem to forget this young woman. How can I stop thinking about her ?. I have never had feelings like this

Sincerely,
Reader

Dear Reader,

What’s love got to do with it? Isn’t it amazing how some of us can be doing our thing, living our life, with absolutely NO CLUE that we might be gay? One day, in walks that woman and BAM, our life is changed forever. Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and the sun shines brightly upon you.

Well, I think the signs were there, they were just ignored, or attributed to something else or, or, or. Thing is, you have to deal with this now. I recommend a gay-friendly therapist immediately.

The kids—tough that. I can’t say it strongly enough, before you make any drastic step like outing yourself to hubby you do the following: contact a good lawyer (get a referral through your local Gay Chamber, outreach center, or through the bar association – look for a specialist in gay family court issues). Spend the money, no matter what, and know what your rights are before you out yourself to hubby. Develop a definite plan as to what you want before things get ugly. And, they probably will. At one point or another. Do it no matter what you think he’ll do. “Ah, he’d never do that to me,” are often the last words out of your mouth before you get hit with that request that he get sole custody due to your “perverted lifestyle.” Love those lawyers.

You’ll be dealing with pride and possession—his perception thereof–be prepared. If it turns out to be a breeze, well, then, you got lucky.

Next – live in a small town or in a city? Your savvy with the Internet should make it possible for you to find a local gay outreach center that will have resources or social settings for you to meet others like yourself. The issues, I’ve learned, for those coming out later in life, are pretty much the same. You can draw on their wisdom and have an empathetic ear. There are lots of online forums for those who might live in smaller, less gay-friendly places.

Now, the girl. Where is she? Do you keep in touch? What held you back when she was nearby? Fidelity? Fear? Examine. Kind of glad you didn’t do anything with it – as your partner (husband) thinks you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. And, that would be cheating, which is destructive to the soul. If you have some other kind of arrangement with him, then power to ya’ sister! What would change if you were together now? Does she fill your fantasies or is she someone worth leaving your life over? That’s the question.

I don’t want to scare you, but, if you do come out fully, with her or without her, it will alter everything you know to be true – to what degree you won’t know – your friends, your finances, your children, your relationship with your family, and your home. And, it won’t be you–you’ll be the same, just with a new awareness. It will be everyone else–adjusting.

The sky–that you may notice is suddenly the bluest of blue. And, I again recommend a therapist.

For me, there is no other life to live – this is who I am. For those who do make the leap, there was no choice.

You’ll get through it,

MAL