Dew You Love Me, Yes You Do
August 3, 2007 
I always thought it was funny that my former partner used to complain that whoever she was with would put on several pounds after they were together for a while. Until it happened to me. The common denominator between me and all those who came before me finally dawned on me. Now, it’s been over a year and a half and I’m still struggling to lose the weight brought on by five years of Campbell Soup covered Midwestern meals. It’s not that bad – I don’t have to roll anywhere or anything. I only need one seat on an airplane and don’t have to buy my clothes at “Omar’s Tents & Awnings.” But, I’m getting tired of the extra pounds. So, I’ve changed the way I eat and started exercising more. I even joined the new gym down the street today and plan on going—as long as I can take my caffeinated beverage of choice with me.
See, there’s just one little problem. I worship at the Mountain of Dew.
With 170 calories and a mountain of sugar, I go through about three or four of those suckers every day. I don’t drink coffee and tea just doesn’t pack the hyper-fueled caffeine punch I need to locomote and kick start aging brain cells every day. Still, that’s a lot of calories. When I’ve approached people about this particular addiction, they invariably say, “Switch to diet.” Not bloody likely. It tastes like shi-ite. “You’ll get used to the taste.” Um, no. I won’t, it’s puke-worthy.
I knew it was a serious addiction when I went to have some bloodwork that required fasting a couple weeks ago and raced to the clinic so I could be there at 6:30 when they opened and be first. I was already fully 1.5 hours past my normal early morning Dew fix. They drew the blood, and shaking with anticipation, I pulled the Dew out of my bag, not even waiting until they got the little cotton ball thingie on my arm before I popped the top and felt the first swig set the joy juice coursing through my veins. If I could, I’d get an IV drip full of the “D.” I guess I’m like the Pete Doherty of Dew, well, okay, so I don’t have Kate Moss either, but work with me on this.
I would seriously go without food for extended periods before I would go without my morning Dew. But, what to do? Should I just exercise so much I burn it off or is there an alternative? If you’ve kicked a Dew habit, let me know how!
