Not What I Expected

I’ve put off talking about what the burglary did to my head.  Seriously.  I had no idea how it could have impacted so much of what I do.  It took away my feeling of sanctuary.  Those who know me know that my home is my favorite place to be.  On top of this, it took away the innocence of my children, who also believed that home was sacred and somehow protected them from the negative influences of the sometimes harsh reality of the outside world.  It was about home, hearth, family, and how we were one—and safe—under our roof. 

It became about remembering to lock the doors, keeping the blinds closed, removing the dog door, and creating a veritable fortress amid the safe façade of my middle-class neighborhood.  And about creating other more drastic protective measures where before there was no need.  Me, trying to explain to my kid that it’s okay if a man parks outside our house—he’s probably just a salesman as the boy keeps an eagle eye on the strange man until he gets back into his car and drives off.  The burglars did not take much of the children’s property, just lots of mine, but they took something else far more important from them.

The first few days were the roughest.  First, the practical;  the repairs to the damage, figuring out what was missing, filling out paperwork, reassuring the kids, talking to police over and over.   Then, the emotional; the worry, mourning the loss of stuff, not being able to sleep in case they come back, having to contemplate who could have done this.  I think, though, the hardest part was to realize that someone who usually thought the best of others might have to rethink that position. 

Somewhere along the line though, the things became less important.  In fact—the house looked better without most of it.  With a little creative thought, the help of good friends and even people I barely knew, this all worked out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.  And, I didn’t even have to rethink my opinion of the entire human race.

Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some ~ Charles Dickens

Mission Accomplished

After three months of sifting through bogus intelligence reports stating there were Nintendo Wiis being manufactured and shipped to various tactical locations throughout FEBA (forward edge of the battle area), the hunt for the mysterious and elusive Nintendo Wii was at last successful at 0655 today, Pacific Standard Time.  There were no casualties.  “Mission Accomplished.”  Man, I wish I had an aircraft carrier to stand on and a cool flight suit to wear as I said that.  At least we actually completed our mission.

 We’re just going to ride this ship, ride this wave. We accomplished one mission, we’ll be setting out for many more. ~ Simeon Rice

Nietzsche in Love

Today, I have a guest blogger from Oregon. The Guy Who Writes has a blog called Astoria Oregon Rust, which I found through Always Reach for the Moon, which I found through Middle Girl, which I found through Suburban Lesbian, and so on…apparently, I have plenty of reading time on my hands of which I wasn’t aware. This straight, middle-aged fellow writes a good blog and I’ve made it a daily read. His subject today was part of his “send me a subject and I’ll write about it” project. This was my subject–he did a damned fine job. But, seriously, go to his blog and read his “Pennies” story too!

Lori challenged me to take on this topic “how Nietzsche can influence a relationship.” As a person of twisted honor I am compelled to continue.

Though few cheerful statements were ever published during Friedrich Nietzsche career, I have found some that could be spun with a positive message. Most of his philosophical career seemed to be based upon disrespect for religion (probably what draws me toward him), yet most other statements make me wonder why he never ended his life as a young man.

Of all things, religion is said to be a sexual and moral regulation entity. Before man invented god, people were free to live and love. Early man may not have been fully in touch with their emotions, but as evolution progressed, humankind would have come to understand it. The problem was that religion came along and stopped the evolution of love dead in its tracks. Nietzsche summed it up by saying, “Christianity gave Eros poison to drink; he did not die of it but degenerated into vice.”

Human were now armed with guilt and suspicion of intent. Is it the person who loves me or is it Satan trying to tempt me. These were the dark ages that created a lot of contempt for women where were burned and drowned as witches. Yet somehow reason again poked its head to the surface. Nietzsche drew out this sentiment when he said, “We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.”

People have finally learned to voice their concerns about love and intent. People realized how precious things could be when they were good. Love again had value as did friendship and communication. Nietzsche illuminates this by saying, “When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.” He also said,”It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Finally Nietzsche seems to fully comprehend the sacrifices one must make for love. He also realized the pain and the value of sometimes saying, “no”, when he stated, “This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves.”

So to all you wise asses out there who didn’t think I could possibly spin a positive article with the ideas of Nietzsche…there you have it. Now someone buy me a drink.

Sushi Emotion

Ya’ know, today, I got an email from a friend of mine who makes more sense than not.  That’s a good thing in a friend.  She said something pretty profound she found somewhere.  Somehow, it turned my thoughts to the good that comes from a relationship that may have had to end.  Or, more to the point, to relationships in general.  Wise and profound words.

Relationships are constantly challenging; constantly calling you to create, express, and experience higher and higher aspects of yourself, grander and grander visions of yourself, ever-more magnificent versions of yourself.  Nowhere can you do this more immediately, impactfully, and immaculately than in relationships.  In fact, without relationships, you cannot do it at all.
~ Unknown

Zombie Moon

Tonight, I got home and got to be someone’s hero.  I fixed the kids’ Internet.  It was nice to be a hero for a moment basking in the love, enjoying the hug for helping, and having the knowledge that I was good to have around, if only for the occasional caretaking and maintenance.  Thankfully, they don’t look to me to be a great cook. 

But, cook I did.  And, in between, I came to the realization that even when you care deeply for someone, that caring may not be returned in the way you need.  And it’s okay, sad and occasionally causing one to inexplicably break out into tears in the middle of the day, but okay.  No matter how decent and loving either of you may be.  Goals, desires, expectations, chemistry, companionship, and communication styles—it’s rare for all of those things to align between two people as does a Zombie moon with the stars on a hot summer night.    And, they can, I’ve seen it happen.  You just have to know the secret of the Zombie moon–and then hang onto it–that’s the tricky part.  But, life is richer for the experience, yes, and even for the pain.  I’ll keep telling myself that.

Time will tell if I will ever get it right.  Maybe someday I’ll try again, just not now. 

I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Grandmother’s Patience

Well, my best pal spent hours in my kitchen, recreating a traditional Brazilian meal her grandmother used to make. At several points throughout the day, she was pleased to be able to say that she felt closer to her long-departed grandmother by being able to prepare it though she never quite understood why her mother had never made it since my pal had always thought of it as such a fond memory. After hours and hours and hours of work, I think she finally gained a new appreciation for her grandmother’s tenacity as well as her mother’s wily and more practical use of time. Thanks, my friend, for introducing me to a Brazilian taste treat called Bolinhos de bacalhau and for spending the time to share a little piece of your grandmother with us.

Okay, so now, since I’m being all serious and stuff—God, I hate that. Let’s just say I’m in a total state of flux. I’m trying to decide what I need to live the life I want to lead. To love in a way that brings me the love I want. To be the kind of person I am becoming. I’m on the right path…maybe I just need to slow down and have the same kind of perseverance that old Brazilian grandmother showed making her Bolinhos de bacalhau.

Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it. ~ Jules Renard

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Yet another review came in, and frankly, I’m giddy. Yeah, my template sucks and one of these days, I’ll change hosts, but for now, I’m under a one-year contract. I am going to ask for help though. Unlike the “other” review site, I think this site truly wants to help and whose sole intent is not to demoralize - I really appreciate the feedback. So, thanks ya’ll.

Hahn at Home Review

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you. ~ William Arthur Ward (Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far)

 

Introducing Legal Eagle

Legal Eagle and I and our families had lasagna the other night.  She’s about my mom’s age and actually ran for Governor of California during the infamous Grey Davis recall that saw Arnold Schwarzenegger victorious over about 500 candidates.  I asked her why she ran and she said that she wanted to feel a part of the process and show those in her life that the process works.  She got a nice number of votes, too.   Not as many as the stripper with the 72EEE boobs, but a goodly number.

Last year, at our Gay Pride parade, such as it is, the kids and I and Uncle Doreen were walking along the parade route trying to find a good spot to shoot pictures.  Suddenly, Em yells, “Hi (girl’s name)!”  I looked and there was Em’s friend from school whom I had just recently started hearing about—and her mom.  Ahhh, no need for secret handshakes here, she was one of us.

Over the past few months, we’ve started hanging out a bit.  We live very close to one another, we found.  And, I’ve been a babysitting resource for her when she has to go out of town on her legal biz.  The girls share a special ed teacher and some of the same issues.  And, Legal Eagle is intelligent, warm, and funny.  It’s fun having our families join forces every week or two.

But, poor Legal Eagle is tired.  And she needs to get out.  I’ve been working on convincing her that the reason I was brought into her life was to show her that she could have an adult life with a child at home.  It’s fun reaching out to someone when so many have reached out on my behalf the last year.  I was really surprised and happy when I was able to convince her to join me for dinner tomorrow night—at a place 10 minutes away, just in case.  We know from just in case situations.  I lined up the group babysitter and made the reservation—she need do nothing except enjoy some adult conversation (I’m counting on her heavily for that part).  

And, I figure that I have come up with yet another night this week where I don’t have to cook. 

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.  ~Oscar Wilde

Legal Eagle Cooks

Legal Eagle:  Hey, would you all like to come over for a little lasagna tonight?

HahnatHome:  (Pause) Um, that would mean I don’t have to cook, right?

Legal Eagle:  Yes.

HahnatHome:  That is an easy one then.  Hold it, I have two sick people here, both of whom are supposed to get on a plane in a couple of hours and may not, depending upon bodily fluid output.  Can I call you in an hour?

Legal Eagle:  Sure.

(An Hour Later)

HahnatHome:  (Hit redial—wait for tone—leave message accepting dinner—ask they call back with time—don’t hear back as 6 pm approaches—hit redial again—get Notorious B.E.N.’s best friend’s mom (BFM).  HAH realizes she never dialed Legal Eagle, Legal Eagle called her, but apparently, HAH accepted an unextended invitation on BFM’s voicemail–and apparently she hasn’t listened to her voicemail lately–I don’t have to worry about the embarassment until later, right?)

 

Okay, besides the fact my pre-menopausal memory loss situation is obviously not improving, I put two sick people on two airplanes full of people, spreading germs in my totally selfish quest for food prepared by others.  Instead, we’re suffering through Hamburger Helper. 

 

This’N'That

All over Northern California, temperatures have taken a nosedive. A normally moderate Winter now replaced with one quite frigid.  Northern Californians (NCs) are not used to cold weather.  NCs don’t own parkas, have barely insulated houses, and not a one of them own nicely lined boots to keep their tootsies warm.  On the way to work the other day, I noticed all over town that people were using their credit cards for ice scrapers.  I asked a young woman in the office, who was complaining about the cold, if she had a real scraper.  She said she’d never even seen one and then looked it up on the Internet to see what it looked like–then I gave her my secret outlet for purchasing one.  Amazing.  I am a little jealous of my Midwestern family and friends who’ve been enjoying my Winter but are only paying Iowa and Nebraska prices for the pleasure.

My new iPod was fully loaded with music by The Girl when I was in San Diego over the holidays.  Seems iPod makes sure you can’t share music by causing shared music to be completely wiped from your iPod if you attempt to plug it into other than its original computer source.   Yesterday, I downloaded some shareware called iPod Copy.  I gave it a shot, and sure enough, it worked with zero difficulties.  The menu is a little simplistic and I’d like to have more control over where things end up, but it worked like a dream.  I went ahead and bought it for $19.99.  I recommend this product.

Notorious B.E.N. is off and running with his buddies.  Box of 2,000 paintballs in hand, he headed over to his best friend’s for his 16^th birthday paintball party.  His friend only lives about a half mile from here, so I offered to let B.E.N. drive.  He absolutely refused, saying, “You make me nervous.”  I told him I promised to be good (I’m a terrible passenger), and he says, “I’m not nervous with Dad—he’s not a very good driver so his expectations aren’t that high.”  

Remember the excitement of getting your first driver’s license, in spite of the long lineups at the motor vehicle office? These days you have to take a numbered tag from one of three dispensers labeled Test, Retest, and Renew. Since most new drivers know they’re not quite ready for the test anyway, maybe they could shorten the lines by changing the dispensers to Competent, Incompetent and Drag Racer. ~ Julie Benson