Sarcasm Is Another Service We Offer

Tomorrow is the close of our Fiscal Year. I know, this is the news you’ve been waiting for. I love how every year all those little things you didn’t get around to come crashing down upon you only to find that you can’t enter any of it in the appropriate database, system, or process because every single person in the company is doing the same thing and the system is bogged down. Fun ahead, I’m sure.

 

I work at a very creative and innovative company and found out today they are creating a series of videos to “sell” working for our firm to edgy, creative, smart professionals. My particular office is always 100% on board with any idea tossed out there as you can see below:

 

The Request:

YOU CAN!

Mission: Make a series of viral videos about your office, or any office in the network in general

Target: Young, skilled, edgy professionals, people like you, but at other companies

Objective: Spread good vibes in the business about us, showing what a helluva place we´re working at. We will do as many as possible on video and distribute on the net.

 

Response 1: My mission below is to make a series of viral videos about our office….I am thinking I will start in the elevator, move to the ladies room that does not have the capabilities to fit toilet paper and seat covers appropriately, then onto the middle office where the sink sits, then show someone working in our conference room/kitchen/office supply/storage room in the chair with one arm and no back, and then maybe move toward the fire hazard (I mean newspaper storage room). Let me know if anyone has any other suggestions.

P.S. I will be sure to include a segment that highlights those with the fans in their “offices” who are sweating (giving new meaning to sweatshop) and the boss and me freezing in our little wing.

Response 2: Let’s also get a shot of the bum who rolls joints while sitting next to our newspapers in the morning.

Response 3: You’ll also need to include a segment where someone ‘gets lost’ thru one of the 7 doors in your office….

Response 4: How about shooting us walking from the parking lot, doing our daily check to see if the guy sleeping in the bushes is still alive?

Response 5: Will alcohol be involved in the making of this film? If so, count me in—but it better be Top Shelf.

Response 6: Only if we wait until the next time someone is stuck in the 100 degree heat in the elevator for an hour and we can capture the expression on film when they finally get out.

 

I don’t know, it’s probably me, but I’m thinking we might not be what they are looking for as goodwill ambassadors for the company.

 

A thousand cups of wine do not suffice when true friends meet, but half a sentence is too much when there is no meeting of minds.

~ Ancient Chinese Proverb

Best Laid Plans

Our marketing department thought they’d do something nice for us and “kick off summer” on June 21^st, with cold beverages and personal spritzing fans. The exceedingly perky announcement from Corporate came via e-mail to those selected at each office to manage the event (me). Then came the notice the day before that shipping issues delayed the event and they’d get back to me. Over the course of the last few days, some beer (Corona), some lemonade (Minute Maid) and spritzing fans arrived by UPS/Fedex. I guess they also meant I should find a way to refrigerate this stuff and put the damn fans together myself, right? Good thing there are only a few of us. Some of our offices have hundreds of people and I’m imagining some mighty ticked off interns sitting there until midnight assembling those little suckers. The money they spent in shipping when I could have had the slave run out and buy the stuff seemed pretty ridiculous and now, we’re celebrating the event of June 29^th, not the first day of summer. Memorable. Effective. Great job!

 

The Sacramento Monarchs suffered a serious loss to the Seattle Storm last night. I’m just thinking that not enough people were putting the “Go Monarchs” vibe out there…and it cost me $1,000,000, so I’m probably going to be hitting ya’ll up for a loan come rent time.

Have a great day tomorrow—it holds a lot of promise!

 

Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness. ~ William Arthur Ward

Be Impeccable With Your Word

The good thing about this blogging idea, is not only does it provide me an opportunity to just chatter on about anything, it also allows me an avenue to vent my frustrations. I haven’t been very frustrated lately. But, the other day, I was.

 

I know someone who has a heart as big as Texas. She would do anything for you if you are lucky enough to be her friend. She has done many things for me and been a major blessing in my life. But, as we all have, she has a weak spot. The unfortunate thing, that weak spot is one that is a particularly sensitive issue for me, and one that has come up in our relationship before.

 

We had a plan to meet for dinner after work. I waited, and I waited. An hour later, I tried to call her and received no response. I was, by this time, very hungry, and had only planned about an hour’s time for dinner and had many other things I needed to do that night. I had made commitments to others that were now going to need to be pushed off. When I finally did hear from her, her reason didn’t hold much water. Her handling of the situation was poor. I would have been mollified by a brief call explaining her delay, which would have allowed me to determine my next steps (like eat at home, or cancel dinner for another time, or let the other people I had made commitments to know of my new schedule.) And, really, we had made plans, so I felt totally disrespected as a person. We did go to dinner, two hours later than planned. But, it wasn’t much fun.

 

Fortunately, I was able to tell her why I was upset. She, in turn, listened. I still love my wonderful friend and the band-aid came off the same day.

It does once again remind me that the choices we make wield influence far outside of the confines of our own lives. One simple act affected her, me, and the lives of the people I had other commitments to (including my call with the kids). Having been on the opposite end of situations like this on occasion in the past, it became an ongoing area of personal development for me. Being impeccable with my word for me means no matter what choices I make (like staying up until 4 am on the phone when I have a kid to pick up at the airport at 8 am), nothing negates my responsibility to do what I say I’m going to do. This agreement is a constant reminder to me that acting honorably and with integrity in all facets of my life will be the greatest living lesson I can provide the children and will be the source of my success and ultimate happiness in life.

 

Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do.

~ Don Galer

I Get A Rise Out Of The Elevator Sometimes

It’s hot, as it has been now for many days. In my building, which is ancient, there are two equally ancient elevators. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. They never inspire confidence. I’ve practiced the whole jumping in the air just as the elevator hits the bottom thing, in case we ever go into freefall. Today, the heat caused an issue where the elevator door opens….very, very slowly…..you board, and stand there for several minutes waiting for it to close again. It will, eventually, but it is literally minutes of waiting.

If you are on a higher floor, it will repeat this exercise on each floor, so your elevator ride can last for 10 minutes or more. You can’t call the other elevator, because the sensor senses that one is already on your floor. I don’t mind going down the stairs, as an alternative, but going up 134 steps is too much in this heat. I always take my cell phone on the elevator, because there is a very high likelihood of getting stuck in these elevators, but now I’m also going to take a book, and catch up on my reading while I wait for the door to close.

Staffers were scrounging for fans because the ancient air conditioning just can’t keep up. One staffer, who is in her mid-30s, came hunting for a fan and commented she thought she must be having a hot flash. I assured her that if she still had any clothes on, she was not having one. What? Do you mean that not everyone strips to put as much distance between themselves and their clothes at such a time—it’s just me? Now you know why I avoid malls, sports arenas, and other clothing-is-not optional places.

Tonight’s song is in honor of someone who had a fried brain, and then lost their mind. Hope they feel better soon.

Tuesday night, the Sacramento Monarchs play the Seattle Storm in Seattle. With the Monarchs 7-6 record, there is no telling what’s going to happen. All I know, is that it is critical that I win the bet on this one—so, if everyone out there would make that wish and cross their fingers, knock on wood, meet three sheep, carry an acorn or a 4-leaf clover, sleep facing south, anything, to ensure a Monarchs victory. Please and thank you.

As good luck would have it. ~ Bill Shakespeare

Hi Ho Silver, Away!

My friend and former neighbor called me this morning at 6 am to go to breakfast. She found nothing odd in calling at that hour on a Sunday. I declined, and managed not to swear. But, because I was up, I had the opportunity to receive another call that was far more welcome; enjoyed immensely, in fact.

 

Then, I was off to the East Bay. My pal Viv had a little organizational project for me that we had scheduled for summer. Basically, she couldn’t get her new car in the garage—it was full of stuff. I said I’d help on one condition…once I got there, I picked what got thrown away and what got kept. She had to agree or I wouldn’t participate. This of course, sent her into apoplexy, and into her garage, where in short order, she had discarded, donated, and divided it all into neatly organized boxes, stored carefully on shelves. Miraculously, her car now fit. And, I was no longer needed…pretty sly boots of myself, or so I thought…

 

…Seems she has an office problem of a similar nature. I was thinking a little filing/file folder creation, and perhaps a little furniture rearranging, then we’d kick back on the patio and relax. This was not to be. She opened the door to the office, and all the papers, supplies, unfilled filing, and the missing corpse of Jimmy Hoffa came tumbling out. Once the FBI cleared out, I went in and assessed for a couple of minutes. In short order we’d removed furniture, moved filing cabinets, relocated hardware, found an old desk previously thought unusable, but which only needed some screw tightening and some Liquid Gold, and voile! We had a functioning office, and several boxes and bags of paper, which we then spent hours sorting. She wrote out her list of remaining organizational instructions, and I mounted my trusty white steed Rav4, turned to wave and shout, “Hi, Ho Rav4, Away!” and rode off into the sunset…okay, I rode off into the East, where the temperatures were sure to be at least 100 degrees.

 

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.~ Napolean Hill

Gone To The Dogs

From parts hither and yon came the thundering herd of Collies, descending upon Hahn at Home. Five Collies, one yard, and three women, determined to make the playdate work, despite the 106-degree heat. It was great seeing Cathy again—she’s the one who guides my volunteer efforts with the rescues—and who works way too hard generally. With her, arrived Andrea, the current rescue president with whom I’ve been chatting over the months as I get more involved with volunteering. It was a real treat, and great to finally meet her. Tried to keep up with the Collie rescue drama (I guess drama is inherent in any organization, huh?), listened to Cathy explain the pack behavior we saw all day amid the three girls and two boys. Met Peter Rabbit, a Yolo County abuse case dog who met with a happy ending in Andrea’s home. Watched my girls do their thing. So, we’re all sitting out in lawn chairs in the shade outside and the dogs all snuck inside via the dog door after a bit, one by one, to enjoy the air conditioning as we stayed out in the heat. Obviously, the dogs’ version of a playdate entails picking a cool corner inside and going to sleep, leaving the chaperones to melt. They have us all trained very well. Works for me! Overall, it went much better than I imagined it would—just a little counter surfing, a couple of piddling incidents, a few tense moments between a new foster dog and well, everyone, and, as always I learned a lot from Cathy. I’m so glad they made time to visit and I hope we get to do it again.

 

As for Hahn, at home, she’s a bit tired today…stayed up last night redesigning the website…but, let me know what you think about the new look. Must be time for a nap.

 

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. ~Alfred Northrop Whitehead

My Hero, Taz

It has so been my week. First, starting out with a great date last Saturday. Got a song stuck in my head I can’t get out and one I’m not sure I want to leave. Got the great haircut, won the little company award, received a 2005 WNBA Championship ring replica from someone I know over at the Monarchs, got a really nice call from the woman who mentors me in our company on her day off that was so full of genuine good wishes, I got verklempt, touched base with my buddies, went to two Monarchs games, and did a little retail therapy all by myself without my Personal Shopper—please don’t tell her, and took a nap. What’s not to like about a Friday? Especially when there are so many more excellent Fridays in my immediate future.

 

I had the dog door installed by my best pal over a week ago. Seemed a simple concept—dogs puts nose on flap and walks through from one side to go out and the other to come back in. The dog door marketing people hadn’t met Daisy yet. Even with a nose the size of hers, she just couldn’t seem to get it. Daisy is a smart adult Collie after all, but I now know where “like teaching an old dog new tricks” came from.

 

She’s also the dog who hears anything sounding remotely like a firecracker, a clap of thunder, or a backfire and she leaps straight up into the air into my arms even when I’m standing up, she’s such a chicken. She’d stick her nose down to the flap, but refused to push through, turning back to look at me as if to say, “Why, oh, why do you do these things to me?” I had to stand either outside or inside and hold the flap open and make sure it didn’t drop on her in any way, or she’d skitter away and not try it again for a full day. I looked pretty stupid running out one door, around the house to the dog door, holding it open so they could go out, rinsing and repeating throughout the day—I even contemplated going through it myself to provide a good example, but there was no way my big white butt was going to get through. This became one of those times when Super Taz came to the rescue. Taz is my sister’s dog—a huge, brown beast. He is a pro at the dog door. I sent the little puppy girl Gina over to my sister’s for the week during the day and Taz had her going through the door in no time. And, better yet, my smart little puppy received benefit of all the resources I could muster, and all it cost me was a little T-Bone tip for Taz.

 

From the dog’s point of view, his master is an elongated and abnormally
cunning dog. ~Mabel Louise Robinson

Lucky One

Some days are a little different in one regard or another. This was one of those. First of all, I decided that a haircut was necessary. I usually get in a state where it’s absolutely as perfect as it’s going to get on one day, somewhere around week 3 of the cut, and then the next day, it’s suddenly so shaggy, it’s unbearable. That day was the day before my first date last Saturday.

 

So, my salon closed and I had the agonizing selection of a new stylist to make. I prayed I would get it right the first time. I did it in my normal methodical, scientific research specific way….okay, I didn’t. I pulled up the Internet and saw which place was closest to the house who could see me IMMEDIATELY. I lucked out. What a difference there is between my usual $15 haircut and a $50 haircut…at least in the ambience, care, quality and skill of the $50 place. Otherwise I liked the $15 haircut. Not only was the stylist’s name cool—Lydia—she was pleasant and knew exactly what I wanted when even I was finding the words difficult. Anyway, I was planning on a 15 minute haircut because that would give me plenty of time to get home so Viv could drop her junk off before her seminar (Hotel Hahn is open for business). But, good haircuts, it seems, take time. Who knew?

 

So, half an hour later, with a mildly irritated Viv in the driveway, I arrived home. We chatted for a few minutes before my boss, who had apparently enjoyed a few cocktails at his conference said he was mad at me. I was floored. What had I done? Okay, I made reservations on the Internet today at work, but jeez. How did he find out? Was NSA monitoring me at work and reporting to him directly? He called to say he was irritated he was required to speak on my behalf with more than one cocktail in him. Then he told me to check my e-mail where I found I had won company award (along with four other individuals in our company, and one team). For once, I was speechless.

 

 

But, I’ve gathered up the wherewithal to say this: I am about as fortunate a person as lives today. I have a great boss, a great team to work with, a great job, fabulous children, friends and other loved ones whom have no peer, and though I’ll never be wealthy, my life could be no richer.

 

 

Happiness may be defined as good fortune joined to virtue, or a independence, or as a life that is both agreeable and secure.

~ Aristotle

Hoop-de-Hoop

Okay, so I guess my first friend’s date went well. They are still on it two days later. And, who knows when she’s coming back!

I’m writing a little ahead of events because tonight I will be at the Sacramento Monarchs game against the San Antonio Silver Stars. A very substantial bet is on the line, one I don’t intend to lose, even if it means filling in for 3-point star Kara Powell myself. Sure it’s been 25 years since I played any kind of competitive ball, the rules aren’t the same, I’m old, creaky, and cranky, but I can do it if a bet’s on the line, so Kara—do a good job, huh, for all of our sakes.

 

The critical part of the vacation, finding just the right place, is done. Four glorious days of beach time await me in the near future and will be a fine and fitting way to mark the occasion of my mom’s first bout with excruciating labor—45 years ago. Mom, sorry, you can’t come along.

Why do I have this overwhelming craving for a Jamba Juice and Mexican food?

 

Here with this late update. The Monarchs rallied after some serious bad playing to win the game 75-69. The lead was tossed back and forth a few times and it was a close enough game that I was having some major heart palpitations. Winning a sweet victory on a bet is a beautiful thing.

 

O for the gentleness of old Romance, the simple planning of a minstrel’s song!

~ John Keats

Funky Vacation

I had visions of vacation dancing in my head all day long—fantasies of golden beaches, moderate temperatures, and yes, even foggy, sunless kind of beach days and good food cooked by professionals. I don’t get away very often, and probably should more often. Kind of making a pact with myself to enjoy a little more and work a little less. The research is probably just as much fun for me—I almost feel as though I am transported there, ever so briefly, until I find just the right this or that to actually experience in person. I’m very excited—for a multitude of reasons.

 

It must be the in the air, because two more people of close acquaintance are involved in a first-date situation this week. One had her first date last night—hoping to get details, but from the sounds of it, it went well. Then another friend has one this weekend. In both cases, my friends were very concerned that it go well. This is not always the case. When having breakfast with my sister and her friend, both seasoned singles, they had words of advice for me—if there was no connection on the phone, then don’t bother with the meeting, it will just reinforce your opinion, and, who has time? Both of my friends have done that anyway. The reason: small dating pool. They don’t exclude until absolutely necessary, thus lack a little enthusiasm sometimes and end up just going through the motions. Ironically, both of my friends met their dates somewhere other than the Internet. Amazing.

 

It’s a tricky business, dating, because at our ages, nothing is perfect, if one still believes perfection is a fictionalized sitcom relationship from the 1960s. Okay, I’m talking about me…I just loved Samantha Stevens and her dorky husband Daren (the first one, not the snarky replacement Daren). He really, really loved her and she loved him and no matter how ridiculous things got, they always knew that what they had was going to kick Endora’s evil butt! To have that kind of simplicity in the face of adversity must be a beautiful thing.

 

Okay, I have some Internet vacation daydreaming to do, so I’m outta here.

 

Call me—let’s do lunch.

 

A vacation should be just long enough that you’re boss misses you, and not long enough for him to discover how well he can get along without you

~ Unknown