Forn Mom

It’s kind of funny, the search terms people plug in that lands them on my page. The funniest one was “forn mom.” I thought it might be a typo, you know, like “porn mom” or something (boy, would they have been disappointed with my site). But, this happened not once, but on two different days. If someone knows what a “forn mom” is, please dish.

 

But, amazingly, the thing that is bringing in the most traffic is “Nosh,” the new restaurant in Modesto, co-owned by a friend of a friend. It’s too new to be showing up anyplace on line. So, as a customer service, I’m going to post their address on my site.

 

Hell week at work is officially over. The fictional budget was successfully forwarded to our Corporate analysts. I expect it to be mid-week before we begin round two. Still much to do and little time remaining. The long hours made me a little cranky, and more than a little tired. Yesterday, upon arriving home, I took a nap. I was having weird dreams, but then, that’s not unusual. I couldn’t remember any of them until this morning, when I was washing my hair.

 

In the dream, I was freaking out because my L’Oreal 6.1 was not working properly. I had a very light layer of the subtle yet very becoming light brown, but underneath, my hair had gone nearly white. I tried everything to fix it—combing over, moussing things around, but nothing helped. I contemplated spray paint, magic marker, anything to make it go away. I looked like a Polar Bear trying to camouflage with straw. I checked very closely in the mirror post-shower, and all is well.

 

Took the bikes in for tune ups and tire fixes. Was really looking forward to taking a ride this weekend, but Tuesday will have to do. I love my local bike shop. It’s a neighborhood place, with nice staff who know what they are doing. I’d liken it to the mom & pop bookstores that are now just a memory in most places. Which reminds me, I need to head out to Beers Books tomorrow and stock up on some good reads. Beers is the oldest bookstore in town. The man that owns it was profiled in this week’s Sacramento Bee. What they don’t mention is how he can do it for “the love of it.” His family made billions selling their various business interests to among others, ATT. It’s a damned fine bookstore, and always a treat to visit.

 

Last night the stars were out, the breeze was light, and the aroma of blooming trees and flowers surrounded me. Today is just as lovely. Tonight, I’m joining friends for dinner and laughs, which will make the perfect end to a perfectly perfect day.

 

Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny Spring day.

~ W. Earl Hall

Teach The Children, No, Torture The Children

It’s not the 3-hour dinner one would have with friends, but I had a killer time tonight with the twins. We were laughing hysterically, teasing Joe that he seemed to like the waitress a bit much, as Em & I sang, “Joe & Kelly (the waitress) sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…,” and kicking each other under the table. I loved being 13 tonight. Joe, I discovered, likes a girl! I was a little stunned, but he didn’t deny it when Emily blurted it out and he started giggling…and then giggled some more…then covered his mouth as he giggled some more. Don’t ya’ love sisters who can keep a secret?

He asked me a good question too: “If we evolved from the monkeys, why are there still monkeys?” After dinner, I was holding Em’s hand on the way into a store and tried to hold Joe’s hand. He was having none of it, which really got me going. I tossed my arm over his shoulders, and he brushed it aside. He walked quickly in front of me, trying to put as much distance between himself and we girls as he could. I let him take a breather while we shopped, but as soon as we left the store, I started walking like a chimp, dancing around him, saying very loudly, “I’m Joe’s mom….” as I scratched my chimp head and asked for a banana. Em and I tried to grab him to throw him into the fountain, but we failed, and he broke away. I started singing badly as he once again put space between us. He raced to the car. He was safe at last, in the confines of a car where no one could see or hear me. He slunk in his seat as low as gravity and the seat would allow.

It’s great hanging out with the kids, especially as I know they enjoy it so much too! And, after all this time waiting to be able to torture them to such great effect, it was almost more than my little maternal heart could bare.

You know the children are growing up if they start asking questions that have answers.

~ John J. Plomp

Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me

Why is it that the amount of tired you are is directly proportional to the number of flights of stairs you have to take to get to your parking level on any given day? And not in a good way. I’m just fried. No lives were lost today during the continuing quest to create the on-target fictional budget, but it was close for a couple of my office mates today, thankfully, I used the infamous “I have a Midol IV drip” defense.

 

I ran across this personality test and the results are in (those who know me will be able to say whether this is true or not). Feel free to take the test, it’s just a few minutes long. Let me know how you fared.

 

Sparks Personality Test

Lori:

You are a Politician!

(Dominant Extroverted Abstract Thinker)

You are a POLITICIAN (DEAT)— forceful, outgoing, and forward-looking. You are strong-willed and extroverted, so you enjoy interacting with other people. You aggressively pursue your goals.

Your creative style of thinking allows you to come up with unusual arguments and original ideas that appeal to others, but behind it all is an analytical mind that never forgets the bottom line. While some might see you as manipulative, your close friends know you are a talented person who deserves the best in life.

Whatever. You *are* manipulative. Whether you use your power for “good” or “bad” is up to you. If you’re confused what good or bad means, ask a HEALER. Like EXPERIMENTERS, you have a propensity for cheating.

Woe Is Us, The Computer Generation

I’ve been accused of spending a lot of time on my computer. Well, accused would be a strong word. Reminded, observed, noted, repeatedly, perhaps. In the 25 years since I bought my first computer (an Atari 800 with a word processing program and a dot-matrix printer), technology has come so far. It’s both simplified and complicated my life. How wide our world was made by the World Wide Web.

 

I spend hours per month ensuring my computer remains safe from viruses and spy programs. I am forced to update software continually. As annoying as this is, if my computer is down, I am lost. I don’t think this bodes well for the future of mankind if even 25% of Americans feel the same way.

I’m literate in both Mac and Windows. I even took a Unix class, just because I have a feeling open source is going to be where we all end up and I am really afraid of being left out of the technology loop.

 

I can find out just about anything I could ever want to know by making a few keystrokes. I check the weather, shop, travel, use an online calendar (to aid my ever-forgetful brain), check news sources, find people, research things that pop into my head randomly, and just basically try to keep up with the world around me. I’ve officially gotten old, because I had no idea who many of the actors/actresses attending the Oscars were this year—so I Googled them to check out their pictures and to find out why Jessica Alba is important (she’s not, I’ve learned).

 

My mom, who lives in a remote area in NE Iowa (nearest paved road, 6 miles; nearest grocery store, 25 miles), has dial-up. When she first got the computer, it was like the heavens opened up to a new world. She no longer had to drive 70 miles to go to a major retailer—she can order it online. She is endlessly curious and is able to get the answer to most anything she needs to know. She has put her entire cookbook collection on CD so we all can benefit from her years of culinary learning. And, she has found a passion for genealogy research. It’s connected her with far-flung and distant relatives who compare notes and stories to add to the family lexicon.

 

The kids do their homework on the computer. They use Microsoft Student to organize themselves, research, and verify their data. They have their own websites that are far more sophisticated than mine. Joe has an online Guild with a website on which he plays a children’s fantasy game. His distantly located stepbrother and his twin sister communicate with him via this space as they all play the game together. When the chores don’t get done, removing the computer is how the axe falls.

 

But, what if it all ended? What if we could not communicate by e-mail anymore? Would we pick up the phone more often, or would we narrow the scope of our endeavors? Would we find ourselves at the library that is operating on a limited budget with fewer hours to research a topic? Would we make more of an effort to meet people in our own space/time in favor of chat rooms, interest groups, mail lists, and online dating services?

 

What worries me is that we are shutting down the part of our brain that experiences life—you know, the big, wide, beautiful world outside the confines of our office space where people could actually shake hands or hug instead of sending little icons ; ) to express their feelings. I no longer know the name of my librarian or have a travel agent. I rarely go to the mall. I trust the travel website is providing me an accurate picture of the hotel I booked when I do venture out.

 

I love to connect with people, but because of the crazy pace of life I live, this is the best alternative for me. I’m looking out my window right now and imagine I would much rather be out there, sitting under the sprawling old tree in the backyard, having a picnic with someone I’d like to get to know better. Instead, I’m here, working.

Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.
~ Mitchell Kapor

Don’t It Feel Good?

I stared at pages and pages of numbers all day today…a repeat of Friday’s torture. I hope to be able to make some sense of the budget before Thursday when the boss needs to look at it and we get to turn it in so the Corporate folks. I fully expect to hear the laughter all the way across the country once they see our little budget fantasy. Who said working with numbers wasn’t creative? I must have had a more than usual glazed look at the end of the day when I suggested to my boss I needed to work at home tomorrow morning so I could be interruption-free and he nodded—as if to say, “Sure, just step away from my desk and back out of the room slowly,” as he calls security to come pick up the crazed madwoman who’d obviously lost it somewhere while trying to tally up fictional revenue for the coming year.

 

Spent the weekend working 14-hour days because of all the stuff I had to do. But, one more room is painted thanks to my painting assistant (LR) and my wall border hanging assistant (AL). The Three Stooges would have been proud of our hanging technique. Once we got the glue off of us, our clothes, and inappropriate spots on the wall, it turned out pretty well.

 

Dual 13^th birthday party was groovy. Managed to catch myself in time when I attempted to paint the birthday cakes instead of using the icing bag. I just forgot to switch to the appropriate tool. And their requested meal was two hours worth of prep. Why can’t they just ask for burgers and fries like other kids? Twins were happy. That makes me happy.

 

All the work kept my mind off of a place it’s tended to wander a lot lately; a little patch of sunshine in my happy place.

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

~ Allen K. Chalmers

At Least There’s One Good Thing About Being Over 40

This just in: There is a God. Now, it looks like I either need to take up yodeling or become a hockey fan.

Those Over 40 Enjoy Sex Best

Middle-aged and older people in Western countries were the first to take the contraceptive pill, challenge the institution of marriage and campaign for women’s rights, and now they are continuing to reap the benefits of the sexual revolution. A global study has found that people living in countries with high levels of gender equality enjoy the best sex, with the over-40s saying they are most satisfied. Austrians aged 40-80 claim to have the highest satisfactions with both their relationships and sex lives, followed by Canadians and Swedes. While those in long-term relationships have the best sex lives, changing partners after your 40s is the best guarantee of cashing in on the sexual revolution, the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviours finds. Edward Laumann, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, the lead author of a paper on the study published yesterday in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour, said: “If you’re dating from the age of 40-plus you have relatively better satisfaction than those who are married. “It’s clear that sexual satisfaction plays a strong role in people’s general happiness later in life and quality of relationships play a big role in that. But men and women evaluate sexual well-being differently. For women the quality of relationship is a much bigger component than men.” –People’s Daily Online

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

~ Woody Allen

Spring Has Sprung, Or Is It A Big Joke

Two solid days in a row with sunshine. Be still my barely-beating heart. I have these two Tulips out front—some past resident, I’m sure, planted with love. Unfortunately, they have a hard life, being on the main walkway to the big biking/hiking path down the street. At least 100 dogs a day go by and pay their regards to various parts of my lawn, the official Tulip area being no exception. These two little guys struggle every day to be all that they can be. This morning, despite their burdens, they looked just wonderful to me. Tulips are indeed the world’s toughest and most perfect flower. Spring may actually be here at last.

Guarded within the old red wall’s embrace,

Marshalled like soldiers in gay company,

The tulips stand arrayed. Here infantry

Wheels out into the sunlight.

~ Amy Lowell, A Tulip Garden

Voodoo Mom Predicts Disaster

First up, a must-read for anyone afraid of Zombies–check it out on Amazon–if you dare. Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks

Today, my morning radio show, Armstrong & Getty, was reporting live from San rancisco in honor of the 100th anniversary of the Great San Francisco
Earthquake. I wasn’t getting into the interview about the importance of having n emergency kit (yawn). Then, some retired politician was interviewed—might have been former Mayor Willie Brown. The thing that made my ears perk was when he said, “Well, as you know, in politics, sometimes you need to tell stuational truths—it’s not a lie.” The truth is just stretched to provoke a pecific outcome, basically. This was said in jest, of course, and no politician who wasn’t retired could be so honest. I think this sums up the entire Bush Administration’s tenure in a nutshell—one small particle of truth or surmise spiraled into what we face on all fronts today. The sad thing is, I think our President believes his situational truths to be real. If he were a homeless person on the street, he’d be classified delusional and put on meds.

Sometimes I wonder why things unfold one way or another. Are our lives a product of predetermination or is it solely the tangible result of each previous action we’ve taken, all of which are within our control? How does choosing inaction, which is in itself an action, impact our future? Is taking a leap of faith from time to time imperative to finding our potential or at least furthering us along in our journey? And, are these things determined by the heart, the mind, or the gut? I’m going to choose to keep all doors open, windows raised, and heart, mind, and gut open and see what happens. I’m kind of thinking life wouldn’t be much fun without endless possibilities.

Obviously, I have way too much spare time on my hands. Being lazy last night left too much room for contemplation. I should have been mowing the lawn or something. But, I did see the movie “13 Going on 30″ last night. Having a chance for a do-over has some appeal. The problem is before getting that do-over, you need to know the rules. Do you get to take with you whatever copious wisdom you may have picked up over the years? Do you get to change any of your physical characteristics (it has nothing to do with being called a Carpenter’s Dream throughout school, really)? Do you get to pick a better wardrobe (okay, Earth shoes and polyester everything—that was cool, right?) I was thinking about what would happen if I went back to age 14, when I had pretty much set my life’s path in my pea sized brain. Then, I decided that it all turned out okay considering every teenager I’ve ever met should not, by rights, get through to adulthood based on the stupid things they do and I was no exception! (Oh, that’s right I was an exception—a model of perfection—I’m sure my mom would agree—probably why she said, >“Whatever you brought to me, will be tripled upon you!”—my mom’s version of the Voodoo Curse—I could hear the beat of the Tanbou Rada echoing in my head as she said it). I guess it’s just fine I didn’t get that do-over–I probably wouldn’t have done anything any differently.

My sister’s dog has joined Daisy and I each night this week. He is going to drive me insane. Well, not him, but them together. I have never met two dogs so jealous of my attention. If only I had this problem with potential dates.

<Each man is the architect of his own fate.
~ Appius Claudius

Lazy Butt

One of the things I’ve determined in my current state of solitude is that I’m enjoying the fact that I can be a little lazy if I wanna be. And, I stayed up too late talking on the phone last night. Some people are such bad influences. That being said, I’ve decided to share one of the funniest jokes I’ve seen in a long time—of course, I looked it up on snopes.com and it is an urban myth, but still, gotta love it. As you read it, picture me, stretched out on the couch, bevy of remote controls in front of me, watching the movie I’ve put off watching for the last week, as I sip the Dew, fight for control of the pillow from Daisy, while wearing my “Let Me Drop Everything and Work On Your Problem” t-shirt.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

~Charlie McCarthy

Subject: Scientific Theory of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh, my God!”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A

Weekend Events

Off we went to Lisa’s mom and stepdad’s house. As soon as I saw Lisa’s mom, I understood everything! Lisa is a very artistic actress/dancer who just completed her master’s in counseling/drama therapy. She is very NOT me. In fact, I don’t think I have ever had a friend who is so opposite me. Somehow, it works. I met Lisa the first night I was in California at a house party thrown by my cousin, my sister, and some of their friends to welcome me to town. It was held in a very impressive beach house in Santa Cruz. Lisa and I hit it off immediately. She introduced me to sushi almost right away and there’s been no going back.

 

Anyway, I had a nice visit with her folks. Her stepdad’s a history teacher and mom is a retired dance school owner. We then went to sushi—which was very good. Uni was enjoyed by all–Uni is sea urchin parts for those of you not into Sushi. It’s been likened to baby poop by some, but to me, it’s the dessert and perfect end to any sushi night. After a long dinner of catching up and swapping weird dream stories, and since I’m not known to be one to dance the night away, we went to our digs for a night, the home of a friend of Lisa’s.

 

We did stay up until the wee hours, despite my attempts to get a good night’s sleep, discussing philosophy. Sometimes I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about, because she just looks at the world differently than I, but I listen, and I do try to understand. We met her folks for breakfast and soon, it became clear to me that I needed to get home to take a nap. So I did, for three glorious hours. In quiet. And peace.

 

Lisa’s friend Marcy D’Arbino is opening a new restaurant on Tuesday in downtown Modesto. I’m giving it a plug. It’s called Nosh and if the soft opening attendance was any indication, it will be a big hit. So, if ever in Modesto, it’s “the” place to go. Downtown Modesto is actually very charming, retaining a small town feel as it grows in all directions. Houses can still be found for under $300,000, which is a modern miracle in California, no matter where you go.

 

Don’t really want to go back to work tomorrow, but, what can I do?